Two thoughts...

... have been going through me head recently....

First, I've got this impression that I need to fight for my affair, and I am not sure how long I'll be able to continue it. I mean, I am fighting on two fronts: For my relationship and for my affair, and I am not sure whether I can keep it up. It is exhausting... What I would need is the feeling that at least I don't need to fight for my affair. I wouldn't need her commitment or anything like that, but somehow a decision to at least remain open to the possibility. And yes, this would involve that we'd see each other - at least for a coffee or a beer in the evening...

Well, the second though that I am having is very much related to the first one, even though it might not initially appear this way. My affair told me a few weeks ago that perhaps all this was about was that I am afraid of using my "toy"... I don't think so, but I think that I am looking for was out of this situation.... so perhpas I should simply test this theory... well, I am going out tomorrow evening, so that would be an opportunity... though I am not sure whether I would be able to.... well, I've got to think about it a bit more - but if I tried it out just once, and realized that my "obsession" is nothing else than fearing to loose my "toy", then I'd have one problem less - and my affair as well. But I cannot imagine at all that this could be true - my feelings seems to be too intense and "true"...

So what I think is that I really need her to make a decision - as long as the decision is not to NOT see me... It can be we just going out once in a while, me being her "toy", or us trying to figure out what this is all about - whatever that means...