Lots of things to think about

There are lots of thoughts going through my head, and it is difficult to know where to start.

I was at her place yesterday evening, and enjoyed it very much. I don't remember when I last had such a beautiful evening with someone. We initially talked a lot, I cried a lot, we tried to get a grip on what's happening - or better: I tried to get a grip on what's happening. Later one, we just laid in bed, close to each other, touching each other. It was wonderful!

But we still talked, and thinking about everything, I have again more questions than answers.

First of all, yes, I love her, but more than that, I love this feeling of loving here, I love this feeling of intimacy. This is what I've been missing, and it it what I am looking for. But I realized that it it not the only thing that I am looking for. One thing that my wife has been giving me is unconditional love. I never had to question her love, I could always rely on it - well, not always; we had a period when we almost split up five years ago. So it's kind of as long as everything is ok, we know that we can rely on each other's love, but that doesn't mean that it can't change, though we are open and honest about it and tell our partner. And as my wife told me 5 years ago when we first had problems, I now told my wife about it.

But this type of love is what I need. And it is a type of love that I am now sure whether my affair is willing/able to give me. She's questioning too much her own feelings, she's too unsure about them, doesn't trust them, doesn't want to get hurt. But this is nothing I should concern myself now. I do know that she has strong emotions for me, and if we end up together, there will be time to find out whether we can establish the trust that is needed to make it work for both of us.

And I now really appreciate why I need my affair in all of this, why I can't simply let her go: I am panicked! I now what my mom did, staying with my father whom she didn't love, and when she finally wanted to separate, something happened, which made her spend another 17 years with him, completely giving up her own needs and desires.

When I was younger, I promised that I would never ever do that. And now I realize that I have been doing it for quite a few years... and I am scared that for some reason I will go back into my little "bubble" and continue it.... I mean, no surprises there - it's learned behavior. I know what my needs are, I know what I want, but I do need to have my affairs support right now. If I didn't have it, I think I would do the worst thing possible and escape as quickly as possible, simply because I am too afraid of doing my mom's mistakes all over again. So I do hope that she'll be able to support me.

If she can support me, then I am actually in the best position possible. There are a few challenges: What about her relationship with that guy? What kind of emotions does she have for him? Or does she love me? And can she trust me doing the right thing? Well, I can't do anything about the first point - the guys's there and that's that. All I know is that I don't think that she really loves him, but that he's able to give her something that is very important to her, and that's why she enyojs being with him and feels close to him. Nothing I can do about, at least not until I can offer her my love without any restrictions. On the other hand, will it last? I mean, it's like me being together with an 18 year old! If I were sinlge, I would definitely not say "no"... there's so much an 18 year old can offer that I couldn't resist liking and testing while it lasts.... but it could not satiesfy me long term... Well I shouldn't talk about her realtionship with that guy. In the end, I don't know anything about it, and perhaps they are really made for each other. I am just afraid of her getting hurt - and my feeling is that she will get hurt, but I truly hope that I am wrong....

Yes, believe me: If she were going to be happy with that guy, I wouldn't mind it. She has already given me so much, and she deserves happiness.

The second point, whether or not she loves me is another thing that I cannot influence - at least not right now.... but again, I trst my feeling.....

That leaves the third point: Will she be able to trust me? And this something I can do something about. I know that she will only accept any advances from me if she trusts that I tried everything to rescue my current relationship... sounds kind of crazy, but that's how it is. And this is exactly what I want to do: Do everything to rescue my current relationship! And yes, there is definitely a chance, because essentially there's not too much wrong.. well, yeah... the intimacy/sex issue. But my wife has started to work really hard on it, so I am kind of optimistic.... The question is whether we can bring it to a level that we both enjoy and are comfortable with, and whether we can keep it up. But we'll see about it later.

Oh yes, there's a small little other problem: The question whether I still love me wife. I am trying to avoid this question because it hurts so much. I just hope that I will again feel the feeling of love for her again once we're a bit further along the way. And this is a tricky thing: Yes, I would separate from her if I had to admit that I cannot feel the love anymore, and no, I wouldn't have any chances with my affair either, because she would not accept this being a good reason to separate!

The one real challenge that I am facing right now that I noticed this morning that I am slowly cracking up. I had this vanishing thought of just wanting to leave everything behind, go somewhere else and escape the whole situation. I did this before, and yeah, it actually turned out to be the right decision, probably the only decision that made it possible for me to remain sane. And that's the problem: It is an attractive option, given that it has worked before....

And this is why I know that I need my affair. I have the feeling that she really and truly understands me, and supports me in ways that she's probably not even aware of. I mean, just being with her yesterday gave me so much strength! So I hope that she can continue to do this, that these meetings are also good for her, that she as well gets something out of it.

And I've got to admit: Yes, I hope that I'll get a chance to sleep with her again. I mean, exploring her body with the new knowledge that I have, being very close to her, being inside her... wow!
But I am afraid that it won't happen... I think that she has made her decision, even though she hasn't admitted it to me yet - or even to herself. She has decided that she will give this guy all she can give him, hoping that this will help her in finding what she's looking for. so all I can do is accepting whatever she's willing to give me, and I'll be happy with it.