I've just met my affair.... and I finally walked away. I love her so much, but I am simply not the best for her. I cannot provide what she needs as long as I am in a relationship, and I cannot ask her to wait for me, given that I am not sure whether I'll ever be available.
I hate myself. How can I do that? How can I hurt someone so much that I love so much? Why do I have to get her in the situation where she has to make the choice between two men, two men that can give her different things that she desires and deserves? And why do I have to be the one who loses out? I don't even have a fighting chance: If I left my wife now, she would be afraid that she's responsible - and that would have an impact on whatever Iwould be able to build up with her. And I can't stay with my wife to figure things because my affair cannot wait - and fears the risk of me deciding to stay with my wife.... It's a viscous circle, and I don't have any option to influence it.
Yes, it would all depend on her - on her finding the strength to go through this, on her taking the risk - on her trusting in our love.
I've just send her a long e-mail, just spelling out all my thoughts.... perhaps the last try to give her strength by telling her all about my love, and how important she is to me, what she means to me. I gave her the address of this blog - not sure why, but I did - so she's probably reading it... So let me use this opportunity to say: "I love you!!!!!".
I know that she fundamentally changed my life - it will never be the same. No, she actually didn't do it. She opnened a door by giving me the chance to love her, and I took the opportunity to look at myself, my wishes, my desires, my expectations from life. And I discovered that it is this love for her that I want to have in my life.
I told her earlier that it is the love that I want to have in my love, and it doesn't matter whom I get it from, whether it is her or my wife or somebody else. But I realize that this isn't true. I want to experience this love with her. And I would only opt to stay with my wife if we can achieve something that is at least close to what I feel for my affair. Yes, I know, this will be a difficult undertaking, but I've got to give it a try... I mean, what are the chances of my affair and me getting together again in a year from now? I know that I will try, but I fear that she may have lots of reasons why she cannot try it.... Perhaps the reason is that she's actually afraid of her emotions. I mean, they are fundamental, and I've probably been so afraid of them that I denied myself these emotions for more than two years, so perhaps it is the same for her.
I've asked my affair to re-consider, to see me one more time, or to even spend a few days with me on a business trip that I am taking soon. I so very much hope that she says yes. I am currently living one day at a time, and even if she decides afterwards that she doesn't want to see me anymore: At least I had those few moments. I would be able to remember those few moments for the rest of my life, and it would be a beautiful memory.
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