Monday, April 16, 2007

Saw my affair again...

.. today for the first time in two weeks.... I know that there's no chance anymore, but still - even though I know that I will never cheat again in any relationship that I am in - and that's with my wife - I know that my affair will always be an exception, and that I will never stop longing to touch her and kiss her....

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Will I ever forget here?

Haven't seen her in almost two weeks - but I cannot forget her.... yes, my feelings don't bother me as much anymore, but still: I'd really like to see her....

Friday, March 30, 2007

Good-bye

Ok, this is probably my last post - it seems as if the situation is at it is, and I don't think anymore that it will change again.

I am very sure of my feelings for my affair, there are as strong and intense as ever - though I will never have the option to figure out whether there's more to it. I am still fairly confident that she has the same feelings, but at the same time she seems to be sure that she doesn't want anything to do with me.... for reasone mentioned before. And it doesn't appear as if she's ever going to change her mind....

So be it. It is out of my hands.

I am now focusing on my relationship with my wife. There have been some improvements, and I am pretty sure that it will further improve. I don't think that it will improve to a point where I can see that I am really happy, but I think it can improve to a point at which I'll feel comfortable - or at least will not feel unhappy.

And if this in fact happens, I will obviously continue my relationship and try to be as best of a husband and father as a can - I know the pitfalls of being single, and being single usually means that you're not happy. And having a relationship in which I am "comfortable" is difficult enough to achieve.

If I had the option between my wife and my affair, and wouldn't know what to choose - or better: I do think I would know, but I would first need to find out more to ensure that it could last. But this option is not available.

But at last, I am at peace with myself. I trust that my higher power watches over me - and if I am meant to stay with my wife - so be it. If I am meant to find happiness with my affair, then we will get together sometime.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Gosh!

I've got to admit: I simply cannot simply let go of my feelings! I drove her home yesterday, and we ended up kissing... very nice, though she ensured that it remained a "friendly" kissing... I guess she knows that it would be "dangerous" if we really kissed... and now I've just met her outside... she is simply amazing - no wonder that I cannot let go! Especially as long as I know that she still has feelings for me...

I am wondering whether there is a way for her to regain trust in me? But here, I am not that optimistic... in order to do so, we would really need to meet outside of work, and I don't think that she's willing to do so... anyway, since I promised myself to respect her decision, I cannot ask her... and what are the chances of her asking me, given that she's sure that she cannot trust me?

Oh well, who knows: Perhaps there's still a chance...

Monday, March 12, 2007

Still needs time...

well, what can I say? I am still missing my affair terribly, I am sad, and I simply cannot accept that it is over.

And I've come to the conclusion that this will not change - and therefore made a decision: I really need to find a new job, preferably in another town - because as long as I am physically close to her, I'll never be able to forget.... so, the job hunting is starting again!

The weekend was not that great: After I felt that my wife and I were making progress and I was getting hopeful, the weekend was not great at all, and I am less sure than I was before that we can make it last... but let's see: I think we both feel that we've made two steps backward and that we urgently need to change it again for the better!

But I've got good news as well: I've met this girl again on Thursday, and I was absolutely not interested, depsite the fact that she asked me directly whether I wanted to have some "fun" again! It was a very liberating experience - not only to say "no", but also to feel "no". If anybody had told me a few moth ago that I would be able to say "no" in such a situation, I would not have believe it... So, this issue is at last behind me; unfortunately one experience too late, but I cannot do anything about that.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

I gave in...

... and I ask my affair to join me for a cig break - but she was already gone. She wrote me an e-mail later on, telling me that she won't be in the office until Monday...

Problem is: It did bother me! I'd really like to see her - and that's wrong. I shouldn't want to see her, because seeing her doesn't make a difference. It's over and finished! Why can't I accept it?

I really need to work harder to push those feelings away. I cannot continue this way. And I need to do this as quickly as possible in order to be able to go on with my life.

Ok, I admit that I do want to see her, and that I enjoy seeing her. But I need to do something about this "wanting".... and I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. So I will not ask her to see me - this way, I cannot be disappointed. If she wants to see me, it's fine, and I'll enjoy it, but I won't ask her anymore.... Of course, this means that I'll hope that she'll want to see me, but "hope" is a much nicer feeling than "disappointment".... Let's see whether this works.

Ok, I've now got to go to soccer - so most likely I'll see this girl from last week again... I wonder how I'll react....

I wonder whether she's still checking this blog. I don't think so - I mean, the whole thing is over, so why should she be interested? And if she still reads this, I don't care... I have been honest with her, and I'll continue to do so - so there's nothing here that I wouldn't tell her otherwise anyway.

Today....

I am more or less ok... yes, I am still very sad - and I don't think that it will change anytime soon... but I noticed that I am not jealous anymore... and that's good, as it means that I have really started to accept her decision... so it's only a questions of time until this feeling of "hope" vanishes - and I think that once I don't have any hope anymore, I'll be better able to deal with my emotions.... :

Well, I may meet her today for a cig break... she said yesterday that she wouldn't mind one.... let's see whether she'll ask...

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

It's over

Ok, it's over. I am disappointed, exhausted, angry, tired - but most of all, I feel empty. There's not much that I can say or do about it, because it's final.

My affair read my blog, which I completely forgot she could do, and obviously read about the adventure last week - and this was for her reason enough to end it.

What can I say? I mean, the main reason why I did it was to verify that I would in fact never ever cheat again, that I could honestly say that I would remain faithful - and I can. But exactly this last "verification" was what ended this whole thing... I mean, it sucks: I figured out that I will be faithful, and she ends everything because I figured it out....

But there's nothing that can be done about it... she was hurt too much in the past, and simply cannot accept my actions, even though I did it for her... no, not true: I did it for myself: I needed to verify it, I needed to see whether it would be possible for me to finally be free of any kind of secrets... and I am! As sad as I am that it is over, I cannot deny that I am relieved that I now that I'll never cheat again... which also means that I can now seriously consider stopping smoking.... :-)

No, there's nothing I can do about the situation - and perhaps nothing I want to do about the situation. Because she's right: She needs to be able to trust me - and if she doesn't think that she'll ever be able to trust me, then there's no hope for us....

Yes, I do have some hope left - hope that she'll understand my point of view, hope that she notices that she doesn't have any reason to not trust me, given that I've always been honest.

But then I know that I've also have to fight this hope - I don't want to live my life based on hope - I've done it for the past weeks, and it is too painful; I've got to move on, especially given that there's only a very limited, small chance that she'll reconsider.. it's too small to base my hope on it.....

I am devasted, but I need to move on with my life. Yes, I was already dreaming of the possibility of a life with her, and yes, and was very curious about it. I was looking foward to really getting to know her, spending lots of time with her, and my feelings told me that it would work out, and that it would have been the right thing to do.

But oh well. Perhaps it was destiny... perhaps I met her because I had to learn something, and I sure did. And perhaps destiny ensures now that she cannot forgive me, because she would not have been the right partner for me.... It's good to believe in a higher power - so I believe that this is the best thing for me, even if it hurts right now... and perhaps my higher power will bring us back together if that's the right thing for me.....

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

So....

... I am going to meet my affair tonight. And somehow I have the feeling that this will be the last time :-(

I think that I simply have to face reality: I cannot fight anymore. She hasn't been to responsive to my efforts, which already made it a bit difficult. But the business trip broke my neck: I had to realize that all my fighting wouldn't lead to anything - unless she wanted it to lead to something...

But that's not the case :-(

I am simply burned out. There she is, possibly the love of my life, and I have to let go. I cannot fight for my wife and for my affair at the same time. Not unless she fights as well.

I mean, I have clarified for myself that I don't have any desire to cheat anymore. That's important for me - and it should be important to her as well. But will she care? Will she believe me? I mean, it's good that I figured it out, and that I can won't have this need anymore, but it's probably too late for her. And yes, I am clear about my emotions for her. What I still need to figure out are my emotions for my wife - and that takes time, time she cannot give me.

So, that's it - I do surely hope that tonight will not end as I fear it will end, but I do not have much hope. I think I wrote before that "Hope dies last"... It is dying.

But perhaps I am wrong? Yes, I still hope I am wrong, but I would really need her to show me that there's still hope for us.

But no matter what: I am so much looking to see her, and I hope that we won't just sit there and talk, but that I can hold her, feel her, kiss her....

Monday, March 5, 2007

How am I?

Well, not too bad.... I went out on Friday evening with a friend.... and one thing that was really good was that I could verify the conclusion I reached the day before: I don't seem to be interested in one-night stands anymore....

I got pretty drunk, and we met some other people - and I wasn't interested at all in any of the women there - not that I know whether I'd had any chances, but I wasn't even interested in finding out. Very good! Was kind of a relief - and made me feel free... I really think that I am not interested in sex unless it provides me also with intimacy - and I cannot get that from some random one-night stand.

The bad thing was that I felt this urge for intimacy, so I send a SMS to my affair - which I shouldn't have, because it violates our agreement to be considerate of each others relationship - and her boyfrined was with her... hope it didn't cause any trouble... but I missed her, and I was jealous....

Not surprisingly, I didn't get any response....

Though I am still unclear what my affair is up to.... so, we decided last week to meet tomorrow.... then at the end of last week, she asked me whether we can meet on Thursday instead, which is not that good for me.... I asked her whether we should meet on Friday, since she said that she would be available then, and since I am also available, it might be a better date.... she didn't respond... I sent her an e-mail again today, and still no response... what's more: We wanted to have a cig break together on Friday, but she couldn't make it - was too busy, and I assume that she then had to hurry to meet her boyfriend... so I'd hoped that she'd call me today - but nothing....

Well, what can I do? I know that I cannot bother her as much as I did in the past, that I need to give her the space that she requires...

Otherwise, the weekend was ok... had a nice evening with my wife on Saturday, though then on Sunday I couldn't get my affair out of my head....

Friday, March 2, 2007

I am not proud....

... but somehow I think I did the right thing yesterday.... or not?

ok, we went out after soccer with the people who played basketball next to us.... and there was this student who for whatever reason was really attracted to me..... how could I resist? I didn't need to do anything, and she was very cute - and just 19 years old.... I mean, will I ever have the chance to do something with a girl that young ever again?

Well, let me tell you that I feel shitty... but I also helped me quite a bit, and I think that in my current state of mind, it was the right thing to do.... it helped me to emotionally move further away from my affair and to regain some self-respect. But what's more important: While it was fun in terms of the sex itself, emotionally I felt terrible, so altogether it wasn't all that great.

Somehow I believe that this might have been the last time that I've cheated, as it simply doesn't do anything to me anymore. Yes, having sex with such a young woman was kind of worth it, but that's what it was all about. I am looking for more than that: I am looking for emotional intimacy, and I've already realized that I cannot find it with some random women... So last night confirmed that I am actually not interested in it at all anymore...

There are only two women who can offer me this emotional intimacy: My affair - and to a certain extend my wife. I've got to say that intimacy between us seems to be improving... not sure that it could actually reach the level that I need, but I've got to be positive...

The problem, however, is that my affair told me yesterday that one other big thing for her is that she doesn't know whether she'd ever be able to trust me. And I think she's got a point... I mean, I don't think that I'll ever cheat again, but you never know... Plus, she knows about my past, so it's understandable that she assumes the same will happen in the future.... and yes, there's nothing I can do about it.... She would need to trust me - otherwise, a relationship wouldn't be possible.... and she's the only one who can know whether she would ever be able to trust me...

But there's more - shall I tell my affair about this or not? I mean, given that she's afraid of me cheating, should I not simply not say anything? I mean, do I have to say something? We're not together, and we're not even in the state where we are trying to see whether there's anything to it - so I actually did not really cheat on her...

One more thing: Once this whole thing is clarified, I know that I want to be faithful; I don't want to have any secrets anymore. But what if it ever happens again? I know that if I stay with my wife, I couldn't tell her... and if I'd build something up with my affair, it seems as if I'd also not be able to tell her... so I really need to ensure that I can stay faitful - it is definitely no good to have these kinds of secrets, and I believe that it has damaged my relationship with my wife, simply because I had to keep something away from her.... so I need to figure out whether my "cheating problem" is now in fact solved, or whether I may want to see a therapist to see whether there's more to it.... whatever it takes, I need to ensure that I can remain faitful!

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Thinking...

...well, I've been thinking all day about what to do..... and what may happen next.... and I don't have a clue.... but fact of the matter is: I am withdrawing - I cannot deny it. And I think it is self-protection... so let's see what happens on Tuesday... Though if I think that she's seeing him in just about an hour, probably even picking him up at the airport, and then they'll spend the night together... terrible! Somehow I feel that I need to "cheat" just in order to get some control back...

It doesn't....

I just met her during a cig break.... she hadn't read my e-mail yet... and yes, it is terrible: I cannot just say no! My emotions simply run to deep, despite the pain of the last few weeks.

So I ask her to delete the e-mail without reading it - and yes, we're going to meet on Tuesday... let's see what's going to happen...

Will it work?

Ok, I didn't sleep at all last night... thinking of her all the time, and finally thinking of ways to get rid of my emotions....

So, I decided that I'll try to think differently about it - I will try to reduce my emotions to an "affair" and tell myself that it was only about the sex. Funny thing: While I cannot imagine another better than spending a night with her, at the same time I cannot imagine actually doing it - I mean, she's sleeping with someone who's almost old enough to be her father....

OK, but I'll give it a try - it was only about sex and nothing else. The good thing about this is that "sex" can be replaced.... Let's see whether this helps...

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I feel so bad...

So, I wrote her an e-mail. Essentially saying that we shouldn't meet, and that we need to stop it. That I couldn't take it no longer - that the only way this could work differently would be if she fought for us.

How stupid were I? I mean: She did exactly that - fighting. She wrote me an e-mail and offered to meet - essentially every day of the week until the end of next week - but for this weekend. I mean, I should have been happy about it...

I think there are two reasons for my reaction: First, she's obviously seeing him this weekend, and after canceling on me last weekend, it's more than I can take. I think if she had e-mailed me on Monday or yesterday, it would have been better: I would have been able to make time to see her. I simply don't have any time this tomorrow - and then she's seeing him again! That means that she's seen him two or three times since the last time I saw her... and she's avoided personal contact in the office - didn't even want to join me for a cig break -so I am jealous and I feel used...

The other reason is how she wrote her e-mail... it was simply a "want to meet for a coffee" question... other then "I am sorry", she doesn't communicate much about her emotions. Yes, we had a long and good talk last Friday, but that was about it - now it's back to normal, which means that she reserves all of her emotions for her boyfriend - and there are none left for me...

Gosh, I hate her, I love her, I am disappointed with her, I adore her, I crave for her, I simply WANT her - all at the same time.

Most of all, I hate myself: Why did I write this e-mail, which most likely really ended this? Why couldn't I wait until tomorrow, to see how I feel then? I really regret having written it - and I cannot take it back! I'd love an "undo" function, and I'd use it immediately.

Yes, I think I made it clear that it didn't have to end, but that I needed more from her - and that's the truth ... but the truth is also: How likely is it that she'll fight for us? How likely is it that she'll send me another e-mail asking to meet? No, I don't think that she'll do that.

Most likely, she'll be glad that it's over - she'll be with her boyfriend this weekend, have a really nice time with him and will have forgotten about me by next week... :-(

How stupid am I? Last week, I was on the verge of separating from my wife - and I am sure that I would not have regretted it - and this week the relationship with my affair ends - and I am sure I'll regret it...

My life is a rollercoaster right now - so how can expect my (former!!!) affair to actually hold on to me? Well, at least I did something good in the end: She doesn't have to make a decision as I kind of did it for her- but again: I fear that I will regret having written this e-mail for a very long time....

Oh well, so be it - it's too late know - I cannot undo it.... I am so sorry.

Yes, it's over...

... let's really face it:

Why has she been avoiding me for the past few weeks?

Because she fears that she actually does know what love is, and that she would realize that she is in love with me.

So she has to make a choice: Does she want to find out what this love is about, or does she prefer the security that she currently has with her boyfriend?

Well, she prefers the security, which I think is actually not much of a security. Fact is: He's 17 years older and lives in a different city. So unless he moves here or she moves there, it will remain a weekend relationship - and in the end not give her what she needs. Or she discovers that there might be other reasons than "love" that make him interested in her... Though I don't hope that this will happen. Even if she gets disappointed again, I hope that she won't have a reason to loose trust.

But in the end: Why do I care? Yes, I know why I care: Because I love her. But I shouldn't.

We agreed to meet next Tuesday, but I know think that it is not a good idea - what good would it do us? I would hope that she'd change her mind - but I know that she won't - her need for "security" is too great.... And: Would I be able to trust her if she changed her mind? I don't know - I lost a lot of trust last week, and she would need to fight for me to show me that I can still trust her. But I cannot see that she would do that.

So it's over.

OK, I'll now focus on improving my relationship with my wife. No time & space anymore to think about a love that never had any chance. I wish she'd had more courage. but I cannot change this.

So I'll now finally say goodbye to my love - and that's it.

No, that's not it: I know that I still hope that she'll somehow realizes what she's doing and fights for me - but what are the chances for that?

Forget about it, it won't happen.... So I'll really need to forget her, because as long as I have any feelings left for her, I won't be able to give up hope....

It seems to be over....

no, I have to face the truth: It is over.

... yeah, I think I am giving up hope now - she has sent me an e-mail, asking to meet me for a coffee... and gave me lots of different dates... this in itself was kind of cery nice BUT for the fact that these dates indicate that she's seeing her boyfriend this weekend...

I guess she won't have to cancel that - and won't see any need to.... which means to me that she's obviously made a decision... not sure whether it's concious or sub-concious, but does that really matter?

Oh well, seems as if it is in fact time to say "good-bye" to what I think might have been the love of my life.....

I did not regret getting into this... it's been a very painful few weeks, but I've learned a lot... though I am disappointed - disappointed because I had hoped that she would at least give us a chance to find out what our feelings are about. Though given her past experience, I accept that it was not possible for her... yet it does not prevent me from being very sad...

So, I've now got a hard time ahead of me as I need to work on pushing my emotions away as quickly as possible. Won't be easy, but it's all I have left.... :-(

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Not sure....

So, she didn't come.... there were some problems with the flight, and she decided to use this opportunity to cancel her trip....

That was on Friday morning. I felt very bad and was very disappointed. I mean - this whole weekend was meant to help us to clarify things, and she decided to take this opportunity away from us. But it's worse than that: I planned to stay for the weekend because she was planning to join me, and now there I was in a strange city with shitty weather all by myself... so it was not only that I was disappointed because we couldn't clarify any of our emotions, but I was also disappointed in her as a friend - because it's something that you simply don't do.

And I specifically did everything to make it as "easy" as possible - got a big (and expensive) hotel room with two double beds to ensure that nothing would happen, got two room keys to allow her to not have to hang out with me, and was very sure that I wouldn't have made any move at all to protect her integrity....

And what do I get in return: A kick in the butt!

I spent most of Friday getting her out of my head - and heart. I mean, how can this ever get solved if she's not even interested in solving it? I figured that they could only be two options why she decided not to come: She either decided that she is in love with her boyfriend, or she decided that she didn't want to get in danger of realizing her feelings for me...

Well, at last she called me on Friday evening - and I think it is the latter: She's afraid of falling in love with me....

So I did have two days to think about it, and I think that I don't have any options left: I need to let her go. I know that she's afraid of getting disappointed, and there is a danger that she would get disappointed if she allowed herself to fall in love with me. And I cannot shoulder that burden. She either falls in love and is aware of the risk, or she doesn't - but it must be solely her decision. I cannot do anything anymore to influence her...

And this means to me that I need to bury my feelings, to bury them as deep as I possibly can... and go on with my life.

We discussed on Friday that we may want to try meeting again a few times to see whether it helps us clarify things. But this is her decision, and I will not ask her about it - she has to feel that she wants to see me.

Gosh, this is hard, but I don't have any choice. I do believe that I love her, but this means that I need to stay away from her - and forget her. I have some hope left that she'll feel comfortable going out with me, but I know that it has to happen soon.... In order to not feel the pain too much, I am pushing my emotions as far - and as fast - away as I possibly can, and I know that there is a "point of no return"....

Yes, I know, with time I will forget, and she'll forget.... but there's something I know I'll never forget: That this might have been the best thing happening to me in my life, and I am sad that we don't even have the chance to explore it....

But oh well, I cannot do anything about it anymore - it's completely her choice....

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Great news!

I've had some revelations last night, and I must say that I am feeling great. Yes, it was triggered by something really bad happening, but I don't want to go into it right now - that would defeat the purpose. I need to apologize to myself, my affair and my wife for being such a self-absorbed asshole for the past few weeks... I was so self-absorbed, I didn't really notice how fucked up I was.... so forget about everything that I have previously written. The whole thing is now crystal clear to me, and I know exactly what I want and need - and the good thing is: I feel that I am in control of my life again! Yes, I am to a certain extent still depended on the decisions my wife and my affair are going to make, but I know that I'll be able to deal with whatever decision that might be...

Gosh, I am happy that I managed to pull myself out of this dark whole... I am confident that everything will work out just the way its supposed to be....

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I was just over...

... at her office. We talked a few minutes about work... It was very nice seeing her, though I really got the impression that she's pulling away.... so this trip might be my last chance to turn the fate, to convince her that's it's worth taking the risk of getting hurt... otherwise, it might be my last chance to show her my love... :-(

Even though I am an optimist, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I need to prepare myself to give up hope... I think I will loose her, and I will loose her forever as I don't think that I'll be able to win her back if my wife and I separate... she'll stick to her decision once she's made it....

Two thoughts...

... have been going through me head recently....

First, I've got this impression that I need to fight for my affair, and I am not sure how long I'll be able to continue it. I mean, I am fighting on two fronts: For my relationship and for my affair, and I am not sure whether I can keep it up. It is exhausting... What I would need is the feeling that at least I don't need to fight for my affair. I wouldn't need her commitment or anything like that, but somehow a decision to at least remain open to the possibility. And yes, this would involve that we'd see each other - at least for a coffee or a beer in the evening...

Well, the second though that I am having is very much related to the first one, even though it might not initially appear this way. My affair told me a few weeks ago that perhaps all this was about was that I am afraid of using my "toy"... I don't think so, but I think that I am looking for was out of this situation.... so perhpas I should simply test this theory... well, I am going out tomorrow evening, so that would be an opportunity... though I am not sure whether I would be able to.... well, I've got to think about it a bit more - but if I tried it out just once, and realized that my "obsession" is nothing else than fearing to loose my "toy", then I'd have one problem less - and my affair as well. But I cannot imagine at all that this could be true - my feelings seems to be too intense and "true"...

So what I think is that I really need her to make a decision - as long as the decision is not to NOT see me... It can be we just going out once in a while, me being her "toy", or us trying to figure out what this is all about - whatever that means...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Am I making any progress at all?

Somehow I feel that I don't - well, I do, but it doesn't seem to change anything. I am really trying to work on my relationship with my wife, but the more or try, the less optimistic I am.

I am trying to get my affair out of my head, but the more I try, the more I become aware of my emotions towards her.

I am hoping that my affair decides that what we have is worth the risk, but I also don't have the feeling that I am getting anywhere there.

I am sitting at home, and all I'd like to do is go by her place or at least call her to hear her voice. But I am not sure that she'd like that. I am not sure that she likes any of the small things that I do for her - I think that all this achieves is just to annoy her.

I am wondering: Why did she decide to go with me on this business trip? A few final days to let me down more easily? That's my fear - but I don't think so. She wouldn't do that. But why then? To simply enjoy the time? Perhaps, but I am not sure. Too many emotions involved to simply have a nice time. No, I really think that she is coming because she wants to see what this is about, she wants to give it a chance.... this would be great, though I have the feeling that I'll be losing out - there's this vicious circle, and I haven't found a way out of it... I wish she would tell me what I can do to give us a chance...

A difficult weekend...

I went on a date with my wife on Saturday evening, which wasn't really what I expected. We went to the movies, which was nice, but I had hoped that she would suggest to go for a drink afterwards, which she didn't. Yes, I could have suggested it myself, but I wanted to see whether she would think of anything like that....

We later on had sex, which was kind of ok, but good a negative touch a day later.... On Sunday, we really made an effort... in the morning, we took a bath together, which was kind of romantic, and I felt again a bit closer to her. However, this illusion was destroyed in the evening.

In the evening, I lighted some candles, put on some nice music, and wanted to dance with her... Her response was "I want to read"... Nevertheless, she managed to dance with me for three songs, but it was clear that she only did it because she felt that she had to...

I was very disappointed, and we had a long discussion about it. A few things were said that are of relevance. I told her that it appeared to me that she wants to be in charge of "romantic moments" and "intimate moments", and as long as she's in charge, it's fine with her, but she's not fine with it if I am in charge, e.g. by surprising her.... So not much flexibility there, and as long as she only feels in charge every few weeks or so, I cannot accept it. She said that it this statement made a lot of sense, and that perhaps she has the limitation that she feels that she needs to be in control.... so one more problem....

On the other hand, she said that I cannot expect that after such a long time, we have a relationship like we had when we initially fell in love. And that made me think: Perhaps I compare my relationship to my wife with my affair - and perhaps that is not fair. If I ever got together with my affair, how would our relationship look like in nine years from now? Would we still have the intimacy and that passion that we are now sharing? I cannot know, but I surely hope so - I mean, it would be up to us.... and from my point of view, we've already started out with more intimacy and passion than my relationship with my wife started out with...

Just talked to my affair for a few seconds outside. Not long, but it was great seeing her - made me very happy. To a certain extend, I think that the few days that we'll have together during my business trip will move us closer to a decision. I feel - or hope? - that she would want to explore what's happening with us, whether there's something substantial that we can build on, but I fear that she'll make a rational choice for herself and decide that she cannot do it - simply because it is too difficult for her. I would understand.... but it would surely be very difficult for me to accept the decision.... and it would make life more complicated for me.

On the one hand, I would probably be even less patient with my wife because I don't have any other option anymore to get my needs for intimacy met, and perhaps even subconciously blame her for the fact that my affair decided against me.... On the other hand, I may "compare" my relationship with my wife with my affair - and given that memories tend to become "better" as time goes by, my expectations would increase....

Oh gosh, nothing is easy.... the movie on Saturday was kind of interesting, and it had two lines that made me think... There was this woman who had decided to move in with her boyfrined, but was clearly attracted to another man... She said something like "there are decision's in your life that you have to make and have to stick to". Later on, her boyfriend, feeling that something was wrong, said to her that "if something is wrong, you need to leave. I am Irish, and I stick to a decision even if it hurts". Well, I am not Irish, but I can relate. I feel like I am caught in a web of previous decisions that I have taken, and it seems to be too difficult to free myself from my choices of the past.

After the movie, when my wife and I walked to the car, I felt like simply saying: "Listen, I've fallen in love with someone else. I need to figure things out, and I need to be alone in order to do that." And I think that's exactly what I need! The only problem is: My affair. Because in order to be able to figure things out, I would need her to be ready for that as well. And she made very clear to me that in case she didn't feel that I wasn't doing everything for my current relationship, she wouldn't want to be with me.... But I would need her - I would need her willingness to explore our relationship.... I can't just move out and sit in an apartment and think things out. I don't believe that it would work for me. I would need to be by myself, but figure out both relationships - only then would I be able to make a decision - for my wife, for my affair, or simply being alone.... Plus, there's the other problem that I am caught in a web of previous decisions... and so I am not sure that I had the strength to tell my wife about it at all....

So all I can do is see what life brings, and hope that sooner or later there will be a bit more clarity....

The only good thing was that I didn't miss my affair all weekend long - at least not constantly... If I had, I would have felt very bad, especially given that she was with her boyfriend... so I only allowed myself to think of her once I while - anmd I can tell you: I am soo much in love with her - I am not sure that she understands the intensity of my feelings, and to a certain extend I hope that she doesn't understand it. I mean, it goes so deep that I am almost afraid of it, and I think she would be really afraid, given that she has doesn't really want to be in a loving relationship for fear of getting hurt....

Saturday, February 17, 2007

My hgiher power

I am really glad that I believe in a higher power. A higher power that loves me and takes care of me. A higher power that challenges me, but ensures that I have the capability of meeting the challenge.

Yesterday, I noticed that I've started rationalizing. That I fell back into old behavior. I mean, the "rational" thing to do is to forget about my affair, try to improve my marriage, but stick to it no matter whether or not I am able to improve it. Because I have a family, and I have responsibility towards my family. Gosh, I was so shocked when I noticed that I was doing it - that's the behavior I've learned from my mom, and my mom wasn't a very happy person.... Rationalizing the situation is ok to a certain extent, because it makes it easier to deal with it, but I went way too far.

And once I noticed it, I again felt this incredible love for my affair... I went out with a friend yesterday evening, a guy who likes to talk about economics and politics, and usually I enjoy it. Yesterday, however, I wasn't able to think about anything else but my affair. Glad that my friend didn't mind me not saying much... :-)

My affair said that she has the impression that I already made a decision - against my wife. I said "no", but thought of that for quite a bit. And I am pretty sure that I haven't made that decision yet. Yes, there are situations when I just want to give up, but so far I am fighting for my marriage. My wife and I had a terrible fight today about some behavior that has bothered me for a long time - only that in the past I often accepted it. But I am learning that I cannot keep quite and simply accept, but that I have to talk to her about it - because only when I talk about it, she has a chance to understand me and perhaps to change. I am really trying my best.

I missed my affair today soo much. I would have liked to just go by and say "hello", just hold her in my arms for a few minutes.... I am thinking: I am fairly sure that she fell in love with me before, but needed to push this love away becuase I could not respond to it. But whom did she then fell in love with? This unemotional, rational me that was mainly interested in sex. I think that I am now very different - very emotional, and we don't have sex anymore... Could she still love this "different me"? Not sure about that - probably depends on why she fell in love with me the first time around.... And I am not sure, but it might simply be because it was "safe" to fall in love with me - as it is "safe" for her to be with her boyfriend - he's likely too old for a serious relationship, and I was in a serious realtionship. She might be protecting herself from falling in love again with someone who is available - for the simple reason that she's been hurt too much...

It's fairly understandable. But it means that I need to be careful, because the last thing I want to do is ti hurt her....

I still can't believe that she's coming with me on this business trip - it'll be sooo great.

I mentioned to her that I am thinking of going on vacation this year without my family. Not sure yet whether it'll work out, but I hope it does. I mentioned that it would be nice if she could join me, as this would a) simply be a geat vacation and b) would give as an opportunity to really get to know each other. Unfortunately, she didn't say much to it. I was hoping that she'd say something like "This would be great" or "I'd love to be able to do that with her"... but who know what will happen...

And so the story continues...

Friday, February 16, 2007

She's coming!

I'll have lots of happy days ahead of me! She yesterday confirmed that she would be coming with me on this business trip - not as long as I had hoped for, but it doesn't matter... I didn't think that she would say yes, so I am just like in seventh heaven....!!!!

So why do I actually want her to come? I mean, the playing field is level, we kind of know where we're at and what we have to do... Well, the answer is simple: I am not sure what will happen on this journey that I am on, but I know that through this journey, I will find love and intimacy. Well, in the worst case scenario there may not be someone to share it with, but the most important thing is that I'll find it!

And right now, I do have this love and intimacy with my affair. I cannot know whether it'll last or whether we'll in fact end up being together, but I simply want to enjoy this feeling. And I will!

I don't have any expectations for these few days. All I want is to be with her, to get to know her even better, and to feel my emotions. I know that it will be great!

Yes, I do worry a bit - about her. I am confident that this is the right thing to do for me - but is it the right thing to do for her? I am not sure, but I trust that she made the right decision by saying "yes". I trust that she will enjoy these days as well, and I trust that she will also benefit from it in such a way that helps her find out what's right for her.

The worst case scenario could of course be that she says that she cannot see me anymore. Yes, I admit that there's a danger that this will happen. But if it happens, I rely on my higher power that it is also the right decision for me.

I am so happy!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Lots of things to think about

There are lots of thoughts going through my head, and it is difficult to know where to start.

I was at her place yesterday evening, and enjoyed it very much. I don't remember when I last had such a beautiful evening with someone. We initially talked a lot, I cried a lot, we tried to get a grip on what's happening - or better: I tried to get a grip on what's happening. Later one, we just laid in bed, close to each other, touching each other. It was wonderful!

But we still talked, and thinking about everything, I have again more questions than answers.

First of all, yes, I love her, but more than that, I love this feeling of loving here, I love this feeling of intimacy. This is what I've been missing, and it it what I am looking for. But I realized that it it not the only thing that I am looking for. One thing that my wife has been giving me is unconditional love. I never had to question her love, I could always rely on it - well, not always; we had a period when we almost split up five years ago. So it's kind of as long as everything is ok, we know that we can rely on each other's love, but that doesn't mean that it can't change, though we are open and honest about it and tell our partner. And as my wife told me 5 years ago when we first had problems, I now told my wife about it.

But this type of love is what I need. And it is a type of love that I am now sure whether my affair is willing/able to give me. She's questioning too much her own feelings, she's too unsure about them, doesn't trust them, doesn't want to get hurt. But this is nothing I should concern myself now. I do know that she has strong emotions for me, and if we end up together, there will be time to find out whether we can establish the trust that is needed to make it work for both of us.

And I now really appreciate why I need my affair in all of this, why I can't simply let her go: I am panicked! I now what my mom did, staying with my father whom she didn't love, and when she finally wanted to separate, something happened, which made her spend another 17 years with him, completely giving up her own needs and desires.

When I was younger, I promised that I would never ever do that. And now I realize that I have been doing it for quite a few years... and I am scared that for some reason I will go back into my little "bubble" and continue it.... I mean, no surprises there - it's learned behavior. I know what my needs are, I know what I want, but I do need to have my affairs support right now. If I didn't have it, I think I would do the worst thing possible and escape as quickly as possible, simply because I am too afraid of doing my mom's mistakes all over again. So I do hope that she'll be able to support me.

If she can support me, then I am actually in the best position possible. There are a few challenges: What about her relationship with that guy? What kind of emotions does she have for him? Or does she love me? And can she trust me doing the right thing? Well, I can't do anything about the first point - the guys's there and that's that. All I know is that I don't think that she really loves him, but that he's able to give her something that is very important to her, and that's why she enyojs being with him and feels close to him. Nothing I can do about, at least not until I can offer her my love without any restrictions. On the other hand, will it last? I mean, it's like me being together with an 18 year old! If I were sinlge, I would definitely not say "no"... there's so much an 18 year old can offer that I couldn't resist liking and testing while it lasts.... but it could not satiesfy me long term... Well I shouldn't talk about her realtionship with that guy. In the end, I don't know anything about it, and perhaps they are really made for each other. I am just afraid of her getting hurt - and my feeling is that she will get hurt, but I truly hope that I am wrong....

Yes, believe me: If she were going to be happy with that guy, I wouldn't mind it. She has already given me so much, and she deserves happiness.

The second point, whether or not she loves me is another thing that I cannot influence - at least not right now.... but again, I trst my feeling.....

That leaves the third point: Will she be able to trust me? And this something I can do something about. I know that she will only accept any advances from me if she trusts that I tried everything to rescue my current relationship... sounds kind of crazy, but that's how it is. And this is exactly what I want to do: Do everything to rescue my current relationship! And yes, there is definitely a chance, because essentially there's not too much wrong.. well, yeah... the intimacy/sex issue. But my wife has started to work really hard on it, so I am kind of optimistic.... The question is whether we can bring it to a level that we both enjoy and are comfortable with, and whether we can keep it up. But we'll see about it later.

Oh yes, there's a small little other problem: The question whether I still love me wife. I am trying to avoid this question because it hurts so much. I just hope that I will again feel the feeling of love for her again once we're a bit further along the way. And this is a tricky thing: Yes, I would separate from her if I had to admit that I cannot feel the love anymore, and no, I wouldn't have any chances with my affair either, because she would not accept this being a good reason to separate!

The one real challenge that I am facing right now that I noticed this morning that I am slowly cracking up. I had this vanishing thought of just wanting to leave everything behind, go somewhere else and escape the whole situation. I did this before, and yeah, it actually turned out to be the right decision, probably the only decision that made it possible for me to remain sane. And that's the problem: It is an attractive option, given that it has worked before....

And this is why I know that I need my affair. I have the feeling that she really and truly understands me, and supports me in ways that she's probably not even aware of. I mean, just being with her yesterday gave me so much strength! So I hope that she can continue to do this, that these meetings are also good for her, that she as well gets something out of it.

And I've got to admit: Yes, I hope that I'll get a chance to sleep with her again. I mean, exploring her body with the new knowledge that I have, being very close to her, being inside her... wow!
But I am afraid that it won't happen... I think that she has made her decision, even though she hasn't admitted it to me yet - or even to herself. She has decided that she will give this guy all she can give him, hoping that this will help her in finding what she's looking for. so all I can do is accepting whatever she's willing to give me, and I'll be happy with it.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Update!

Good news. I am meeting her tonight. As it is Valentine's Day, I was supposed to be at home, but my wife doesn't feel that good so she's actually glad that I am away. And what could be better than to spend it with my affair?

I feel great! Yes, she said that this was for "discussion" only, and I think she's serious, and I know that this evening might be more "sad" than "happy", but I'll try my best to ensure that it will be happy. It's nice to discuss, but I am not planning on discussing the "issues" all evening long... That's not fun, and I am afraid that she think that I am not "fun" altogether.

On the other hand, I am not sure whether she's willing/able to discuss the "happy" aspects of the situation....

I am just glad to be given the opportunitiy to hold her, touch her, kiss her... Well, she said it was "discussion" only, but I surely hope that I'll still be allowed to kiss her?!?

I love you!

OK, I wanted to go back to work, but I think there will be no work for me today.....

But as I've said before, I gave her the address of this blog, so I do want to take the chance of saying some things.

so here we go:

I do love you. I believe that what we have is valuable in itself, and whatever the outcome is, the experience alone will add so much to our lives that it is worth the risk. I wish you could share this believe. I am not scared of whatever comes next, because I know that whatever I am doing now I do because I gain from it and grow with it. Whether it is being with you or just holding on to my love even though you cannot respond to it - it doesn't matter. I know that loving you is the right thing to do for me, and I am prepared to face whatever the consequences might be. I love you.

Ok, enough of that. This is not the place to write to somebody personally; it's almost like trying to manipulate her. So I won't do it again. But I simply needed to say it.

It is over now...

I've just met my affair.... and I finally walked away. I love her so much, but I am simply not the best for her. I cannot provide what she needs as long as I am in a relationship, and I cannot ask her to wait for me, given that I am not sure whether I'll ever be available.

I hate myself. How can I do that? How can I hurt someone so much that I love so much? Why do I have to get her in the situation where she has to make the choice between two men, two men that can give her different things that she desires and deserves? And why do I have to be the one who loses out? I don't even have a fighting chance: If I left my wife now, she would be afraid that she's responsible - and that would have an impact on whatever Iwould be able to build up with her. And I can't stay with my wife to figure things because my affair cannot wait - and fears the risk of me deciding to stay with my wife.... It's a viscous circle, and I don't have any option to influence it.

Yes, it would all depend on her - on her finding the strength to go through this, on her taking the risk - on her trusting in our love.

I've just send her a long e-mail, just spelling out all my thoughts.... perhaps the last try to give her strength by telling her all about my love, and how important she is to me, what she means to me. I gave her the address of this blog - not sure why, but I did - so she's probably reading it... So let me use this opportunity to say: "I love you!!!!!".

I know that she fundamentally changed my life - it will never be the same. No, she actually didn't do it. She opnened a door by giving me the chance to love her, and I took the opportunity to look at myself, my wishes, my desires, my expectations from life. And I discovered that it is this love for her that I want to have in my life.

I told her earlier that it is the love that I want to have in my love, and it doesn't matter whom I get it from, whether it is her or my wife or somebody else. But I realize that this isn't true. I want to experience this love with her. And I would only opt to stay with my wife if we can achieve something that is at least close to what I feel for my affair. Yes, I know, this will be a difficult undertaking, but I've got to give it a try... I mean, what are the chances of my affair and me getting together again in a year from now? I know that I will try, but I fear that she may have lots of reasons why she cannot try it.... Perhaps the reason is that she's actually afraid of her emotions. I mean, they are fundamental, and I've probably been so afraid of them that I denied myself these emotions for more than two years, so perhaps it is the same for her.

I've asked my affair to re-consider, to see me one more time, or to even spend a few days with me on a business trip that I am taking soon. I so very much hope that she says yes. I am currently living one day at a time, and even if she decides afterwards that she doesn't want to see me anymore: At least I had those few moments. I would be able to remember those few moments for the rest of my life, and it would be a beautiful memory.

Is it over now?

Ok, my affair wasn't at work yesterday either, so she was in fact sick - and most likely didn't see her boyfriend. But I think it doesn't matter anymore :-(

I went by her place yesterday to bring her some Valentine's Day flowers, but unfortunately she wasn't at home - so I put them in her mailbox (and I fear she probably threw them away right away...). So I've given her flowers last Friday, yesterday, and send her SMS's on Monday and Tuesday - but no word from her. I haven't heard from her since I talked to her last Wednesday - and I had the impression that we had a very nice talk last Wednesday....

So it appears to me that she has decided not to see me - and I don't have any clue why. I wrote her an e-mail an hour ago, and told her that I'd love to see her, but that I'd accept if she didn't want to see me. And if this was the case, she simply shouldn't bother responding to the e-mail. And she hasn't responded yet... Well, you may think, perhaps she hasn't checked her e-mail yet.... but no, I know that she has...

So it seems that we are parting on Valentine's Day....

OK, but let's look at my feelings. I haven't seen her in seven days, so how did I do? Well, actually not too bad. I have been able to compartmentalize my feelings and be there for my wife as much as possible, while feeling this burning - but beautiful - desire for my affair whenever I wanted.

And my wife has been trying hard to be a better partner - she really has. And yes, I've got to admit that not seeing my affair has helped me in being a better partner myself and putting more effort into it. But I am not sure whether it will work out - or whether anything will change because my affair has put a stop on the affair....

It's as simple as that: I have discovered what intimacy is and what kind of intimacy I need, and I am simply not willing anymore to compromise. And I am very doubtful that my wife and I will ever reach this level of intimacy that I've experienced with my affair. Of course, I will try my best to make it work, but I would have tried my best anyway...

The danger now is whether I may settle for the second best - staying in a not-so-great-but-still-ok relationship because it's the easiest thing to do, especially since I don't have any clue whether I'll be able to find anybody like my affair again....

Oh yes, you may say, but once you've reached your decision, perhaps your affair gives you a second chance? No I don't think that this will happen - If I am correct in my assumption about our emotions, than we will need to work really hard to forget each other; we'll need to work really hard to push each other from our minds, and I am not sure whether we can allow any emotion to remain that we could then later build on.

Moreover, we also need to re-develop a feeling of trust...

Nevertheless, I remain hopeful: Perhaps she has not yet read her e-mail; perhaps she'll respond later today, tomorrow or next week... and if we can't enjoy fully what we have together, perhpas we can at least try to build a friendship... She is important to me, she knows so much about me and has so many insights, so many characteristics that I'd like not only as a partner, but also as a friend, so perhaps we can at least rescue a friendship....

I'll keep you updated. At the moment, I am very, very sad....

Monday, February 12, 2007

Gosh, I miss her....

I am now sitting at home at the computer. I really miss her - my affair.... She was supposed to be at her boyfriends' place until today, but I've heard from a colleague that she's sick. And she's only out "sick" when she's really sick. So I suppose that she didn't go to her boyfriend's place - perhaps he came to her place? Or she was alone all weekend? I wish she would have sent me an SMS - I could have gone by to be with here - make her a tea and so on - you know, the things you do for someone who is sick....

And of course I wonder: Why didn't she tell me? Does she not want to have any contact with me? Well, you may say: Jonny Feel Good was afraid of these things before, and then everything turned out ok... But nevertheless, I am worried! I am really not sure about her feelings - it simply kills me!

So what about my wife? Well, I don't know. I've seen her only briefly today, and she's really trying... can we reconnect? Can we fall in love again? Do I want to fall in love again? I don't know. At the moment, I believe that I don't want to fall in love again, that I would just like to move out and be together with my affair...

Oh, have I told you? I am going on a business trip next week, and I've asked my affair to come with me. She hasn't yet agreed to it; all she said was that she's really enjoy it... but that was all... I think this indicates again that she does like me, but that she wants to avoid any deeper feelings.

Problem is: I do really need to know these deeper feelings - I need to know whether they are there or not....

Good things and bad things

My best friend came over on Friday, and we went out for a beer. Obviously, we talked about the one subject. She was quite concerned that I haven't moved anywhere during the past week, and that I am still as confused.

Then she asked me a very important question: Do I love my wife? And my answer was: No! That's tricky, isn't it? And yes, the answer was honest, but it creates more questions than answers. Why do I feel that I don't love her anymore? Can anything be done about it? If I in fact don't love her anymore, when did I fall out of love? And why was it possible for me to stay with her?

On Saturday, we stayed home, and my wife and I had good sex - it was better than in a long time, though still nothing comparable to what I am experiencing with my affair. Not in terms of techniques - simply in terms of emotional intimacy. But it was obvious that my wife was trying.

Yesterday though, I got disappointed again. I made some references about having a nice evening again, and she got completely upset, said that there seems to be only one thing that I can think of, and this is too much pressure for her. She asked me to put less pressure on her, if that was at all possible. But that's the problem: I can't. I feel that we do not have much time left.

Today I am at work again, and my affair is still with her boyfriend. I do miss her!

Friday, February 9, 2007

Flowers

OK, I realized that I should not consider the welfare of my daughter in all of this. My daughter will do best if her parents are happy – and if her parents stay together unhappily, it will not be in be in her best interest. I think that this is an important revelation for me.

And I did something really stupid today: I went to my affairs place in the afternoon and put some flowers in her mailbox… I think that I am really afraid each and every time when she meets her boyfriend. I wrote her a note… So far, I think my actions are ok. But then I added to the note that if she somehow feels bothered by my little presents, she should just tell me. Stupid, stupid, stupid…. This is me! I like making such presents, and I should feel ok about it – and it is up to her to tell me if she doesn’t like it.

I have to be able to be completely myself when I am with her or thinking about her – otherwise, I’ll loose myself in the other person again.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

We met again....

Good news: My affair and I met yesterday evening. She was sick, but still agreed that we needed to talk. And it was a very nice talk. Gosh, she looks gorgeous even when she’s sick….. and I do really believe that I love her.

She was very hesitant. She said again that she really doesn’t know…. And that she’s very afraid of being the reasons for me breaking up my marriage. She said that if I broke up with my wife, I should be prepared to not see her for a long time. She wants to make sure that everything I do I should do because I want to do it, not because I want her….

It’s a fair thought – but it’s wrong. Of course, whatever I do I will to a certain extent do for her – or better: I will do to be with her. It’s not only about whether or not I want to continue my present relationship; it’s also about starting a relationship with her.

Gosh, I hope that I can manage to go through this without breaking… My affair told me that she was going to see her boyfriend this weekend – and will stay until Monday. I am jealous, and I would not want her to see her boyfriend at all….

Today I went with my wife to a therapist. She’s been seeing her for a few weeks, but after what I’ve told her she said that it would be good if we both saw the therapist.

We had a very good discussion. We boiled it down again to the fact that my wife can’t connect to me on an emotional level – or at least not in a way that I would understand. Now we’re supposed to do some exercises to help us reconnect…. It’s a good thing, but somehow I have the feeling that it is too late…. And when I then hear the therapist say that this will be a long process, I am not sure whether I can go through a long process.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

I talked to my wife....

I finally found the courage yesterday to talk to my wife. Not about my affair and my love for another woman. This wouldn't be fair. If our marriage is supposed to have any chance at all, then I cannot tell her.

I said that I was missing the "intimacy" and everything else that I wrote in an earlier post. She was very quite, accpeted what I was saying, and said that she needed time to think about it. Now I have two women around me who need time to think... :-) I have the feeling that I am messing up my whole life.

No, this is not true. I need to find myself, to figure out what I want from life, and then act accordingly. This could be my marriage, my affair, or neither. Yes, I still think that it'll be my affair - but I am getting more and more desperate.

But back to my wife. She said that she needed to think, and that she needed to talk about it with her therapist. She recently changed her therapist, mainly because of our sexual problems, but now I know that it is not about the sex, but about intimacy - if we had the intimacy, sex would probably not be a problem. But later on she said that this is probably the reason why people get divorced - that they discover a problem that they simple cannot solve. I got the feeling that she understands exactly what I am talking about, what I mean with the word "intimacy", but that she's unsure whether she's able to do anything about it. She has had emotional problems in the past, and she was able to solve them. My impression was that we're now really facing a big challenge, and we both know it - and we know that this challenge might be too big for us.

I am relieved that I was able to tell my wife about it, and I feel that we know now exactly where we're at. And i've got to admit: It would be very nice if we could solve this, but somehow I don't think that we're able to do so.

I sent my affair an e-mail this morning, telling her that I'd really like to just see her. I also told her that she shouldn't feel obliged to read my e-mails or to respond to them, and that she should tell me if such e-mails bother her, in which case I would stop. And she didn't respond, which is very hard on me. I am thinking of excuses to go to her office, but I can't come up with any.... I am really afraid that she's going to stop seeing me.

I've been thinking of telling her that I cannot see her anymore - hell, I am writing a blog because I need a channel to air my emotions! This would probably also fair towards my wife.

But I can't do that right now. I do love her so much, and I am afraid of loosing her. And she gives me the strength to try to find myself. Without her, would I be able to go through this?

I've told her in my e-mail yesterday that I set myself a deadline. Latest by the end of the year I've got to make a decision. But is that too late? Am I already running out of time?

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Hitting bottom again....

When I returned yesterday from this very good friend, I sent my affair an SMS, just telling her that I missed her. She didn't respond. Worse yet, we didn't really see each other in the office, and I got the feeling that she's avoiding me. And I would have so very much liked to share with her what I've found out over the weekend.

Why? We had such a good conversation on Friday, and I don't know what's happening.... What happened over the weekend with her boyfriend? Did she discover that she really loves him, as I discovered that I really loved her? Does she feel that she cannot see me as long as she's seeing him? Or does she feel that this is too painful, that she perhpas cannot even think about whether she loves me, because she's afraid of loosing me after all?

I sent her an e-mail asking how she was doing, and she simply replied that she didn't know. I sent her an SMS, or better: lots of SMS's, telling her how much I loved her etc.... Stupid me! She probably got a lest 10 SMS from me within a few minutes.... this is definitely not the right way to keep her. I sent her a last SMS telling her that I'd give her the space that she needs...

And then I wrote her a very long e-mail, trying to explain what I wasn't able to tell her in person. Not sure whether I'll send it off to her; I first need to sleep over it and see how I feel tomorrow.

It's getting harder and harder....

I sent her the e-mail - I added a disclaimer that I did not expect her to read it, and that she shouldn't read it if she didn't feel like reading it... but of course she did.

She responded that she was very touch by what I was saying (is that a good sign?), but also that she needed time to think about what's happening. Granted, she has all the right of the world to take her time - it's not easy for me, and it's probably equally hard on her.

The problem is: I would really like to talk. I do want to know where she's at, what she's thinking about. I mean, keep in mind that I am not completely sure whether she loves me. So is she thinking about what her feelings are? Or perhaps something happened last weekend with her boyfriend, and she's thinking of marrying him or so... She told me last Friday that she couldn't imagine that, but who knows.... Most likely, she's simply thinking of how to best deal with this situation, that she loves me and that she's afraid of admitting it, because she may loose me in the end - and while she's hoping that I will do what I think I will do, she cannot see her boyfriend at the same time, so she would be completely alone if this whole stroy ends up different from what I expect....

I would actually be already very happy if I could just see her.... But she said that she's probably not going to be ready to see me this week.... so I've got to be patient until next week... this is going to be hard... and in the meantime, she's going to see her boyfriend again this weekend.

This is so hard.

Monday, February 5, 2007

I am slowly figuring things out...

OK, I spent this weekend with a very good friend of mine, and we had a long talk about everything.

I was a bit afraid of talking to her; she's also a friend of my wife. But I really needed to talk. I figured out what's wrong in my relationship with my wife: Intimacy. She's a good friend and partner, but there's simply no intimacy in our relationship. And let's be honest: There probably never was.

This affair wasn't the first time that I cheated on her. When I cheated, I thought that I was looking for a new experience, an new body - but I was looking for intimacy. During the past 3.5 year, I "cheated" once on my affair and she found out. She asked me to never do it again - and I never did, I never had the desire and would have never done anything to endanger this affair. Isn't this stupid? I cheat on my wife, but I don't cheat on my affair....

Anyway, this lack of intimacy with my wife has impacts of all aspects of our life- It's not only that our sex is not that great, but it's also that she subconciously has a "me-first" attitude, and there are lots of moments when it shows.

The intimacy that I enjoy with my affair is as intimate as it can get. I cannot imagine anything better. Just being with her makes me the happiest person on this planet.

Would it ever be possible to reach such a level of intimacy with my wife? I don't think so. Would it ever be possible to reach a level of intimacy with my wife that that satisfies me enough to continue our marriage? Again, I don't think so, but I need to try....

Saturday, February 3, 2007

I am relieved....

Well, I had a long conversation with her in her office at work, which was kind of uncomfortable given that colleagues could come in anytime.

I really tried to explain myself and was very emotional. She is going to see her boyfriend (who lives out of town) this weekend, and I think that this triggered another thought process in me, and so I came closer to realizing the full potential of my emotions.

The talk itself was kind of inconclusive, as we had to leave for other appointments. I asked her to see may later in the evening, but she explained that she couldn't see me - or didn't want to see me.

And then she called! We meet in a bar and had a very long, very deep conversation. This was probably the first time that we saw each other without having sex. And it was almost as wonderful to just talk to her than to having sex with her. Of course, with my newsly discovered emotions, I would have loved to touch her, kiss her, feel her.... but simply talking to her was great.

We talked a bit about our relationship, and we agreed that the right thing to do was to simply stop seeing each other - but that we both at this point in time were unable to not see each other. I was relieved....

She said that she doesn't really know whether she loves her boyfriend, but that he loves her, and that she very much enjoys the feeling of being loved and cared for... And that's something I've never been able to give her, and something that I won't really be able to give her for some more time....

Because I fisrt need to look at my current relationship. I've got to admit that if I didn't have a daughter, I would probably end my relationship soon - or better: immediately. The emotions that I have for this woman are simply too deep. But I do have a daughter, which means that I have a responsibility toward her. And therefore I need to give my current relationship a chance, figure out what's wrong, and see whether it can be fixed....

Though I've got to admit that on one level of my conciousness, I don't want to "fix" it. This woman is amazing, and I simply want to be with her. And yes, I can imagine being with her for a long time... well, it's something that you can never tell, but I have this gut feeling....

Thursday, February 1, 2007

I am desperate...

I always wondered why people create blogs.... Now I know why! I am in a desperate situation, and simply writing it down will hopefully help me to deal with it - well, that's what the good old diaries were meant for anyway, correct? And if any of you have any comments, hints, helpful suggestions, let me know.

OK, so here's the story: I am 35 years old and have been married to a wonderful wife for 8 years. We have a very beautiful 17-month old daughter. Everything would be fine, but ....

I started an affair with a colleague about 3.5 years ago. We meet on an irregular basis, but usually about 2-3 times per month. Until a few weeks ago, I thought that I did it just for the sex. And believe me: It was fantastic sex, the best sex I've ever had - and probably will ever have...

And then I noticed that I deeply, truly love this woman. I would have never imagined it; I was very sure and confident that it was purely for the sex.

How did it happen: She told me that she was seeing someone, and that she therefore couldn't see me anymore. And that got me thinking. Interestingly, she told me about half a year ago that she was seeing someone, but I didn't mind at all. So why was it so different this time?

I discovered emotions for her that I didn't think would be there. And they are deeper than any kind of love I've ever experienced before. You could argue that this is not "love", but rather "being in love", and therefore the emotions are stronger. But I don't think so. I believe that in her I have found the person who complements me, who is the right one for me.....

So what about her? Does she love me? I know that she did kind of fell in love with me at one point in the past, and that she worked hard to rationalize this feeling in order to enjoy what I was able to give her.... She never made any demands, and everything seemed to be perfect.... but does she love me know? She told me once, but ever since I really took the time to explain my feelings, she didn't say it again... Did I scare her?