Not sure....

So, she didn't come.... there were some problems with the flight, and she decided to use this opportunity to cancel her trip....

That was on Friday morning. I felt very bad and was very disappointed. I mean - this whole weekend was meant to help us to clarify things, and she decided to take this opportunity away from us. But it's worse than that: I planned to stay for the weekend because she was planning to join me, and now there I was in a strange city with shitty weather all by myself... so it was not only that I was disappointed because we couldn't clarify any of our emotions, but I was also disappointed in her as a friend - because it's something that you simply don't do.

And I specifically did everything to make it as "easy" as possible - got a big (and expensive) hotel room with two double beds to ensure that nothing would happen, got two room keys to allow her to not have to hang out with me, and was very sure that I wouldn't have made any move at all to protect her integrity....

And what do I get in return: A kick in the butt!

I spent most of Friday getting her out of my head - and heart. I mean, how can this ever get solved if she's not even interested in solving it? I figured that they could only be two options why she decided not to come: She either decided that she is in love with her boyfriend, or she decided that she didn't want to get in danger of realizing her feelings for me...

Well, at last she called me on Friday evening - and I think it is the latter: She's afraid of falling in love with me....

So I did have two days to think about it, and I think that I don't have any options left: I need to let her go. I know that she's afraid of getting disappointed, and there is a danger that she would get disappointed if she allowed herself to fall in love with me. And I cannot shoulder that burden. She either falls in love and is aware of the risk, or she doesn't - but it must be solely her decision. I cannot do anything anymore to influence her...

And this means to me that I need to bury my feelings, to bury them as deep as I possibly can... and go on with my life.

We discussed on Friday that we may want to try meeting again a few times to see whether it helps us clarify things. But this is her decision, and I will not ask her about it - she has to feel that she wants to see me.

Gosh, this is hard, but I don't have any choice. I do believe that I love her, but this means that I need to stay away from her - and forget her. I have some hope left that she'll feel comfortable going out with me, but I know that it has to happen soon.... In order to not feel the pain too much, I am pushing my emotions as far - and as fast - away as I possibly can, and I know that there is a "point of no return"....

Yes, I know, with time I will forget, and she'll forget.... but there's something I know I'll never forget: That this might have been the best thing happening to me in my life, and I am sad that we don't even have the chance to explore it....

But oh well, I cannot do anything about it anymore - it's completely her choice....