A difficult weekend...

I went on a date with my wife on Saturday evening, which wasn't really what I expected. We went to the movies, which was nice, but I had hoped that she would suggest to go for a drink afterwards, which she didn't. Yes, I could have suggested it myself, but I wanted to see whether she would think of anything like that....

We later on had sex, which was kind of ok, but good a negative touch a day later.... On Sunday, we really made an effort... in the morning, we took a bath together, which was kind of romantic, and I felt again a bit closer to her. However, this illusion was destroyed in the evening.

In the evening, I lighted some candles, put on some nice music, and wanted to dance with her... Her response was "I want to read"... Nevertheless, she managed to dance with me for three songs, but it was clear that she only did it because she felt that she had to...

I was very disappointed, and we had a long discussion about it. A few things were said that are of relevance. I told her that it appeared to me that she wants to be in charge of "romantic moments" and "intimate moments", and as long as she's in charge, it's fine with her, but she's not fine with it if I am in charge, e.g. by surprising her.... So not much flexibility there, and as long as she only feels in charge every few weeks or so, I cannot accept it. She said that it this statement made a lot of sense, and that perhaps she has the limitation that she feels that she needs to be in control.... so one more problem....

On the other hand, she said that I cannot expect that after such a long time, we have a relationship like we had when we initially fell in love. And that made me think: Perhaps I compare my relationship to my wife with my affair - and perhaps that is not fair. If I ever got together with my affair, how would our relationship look like in nine years from now? Would we still have the intimacy and that passion that we are now sharing? I cannot know, but I surely hope so - I mean, it would be up to us.... and from my point of view, we've already started out with more intimacy and passion than my relationship with my wife started out with...

Just talked to my affair for a few seconds outside. Not long, but it was great seeing her - made me very happy. To a certain extend, I think that the few days that we'll have together during my business trip will move us closer to a decision. I feel - or hope? - that she would want to explore what's happening with us, whether there's something substantial that we can build on, but I fear that she'll make a rational choice for herself and decide that she cannot do it - simply because it is too difficult for her. I would understand.... but it would surely be very difficult for me to accept the decision.... and it would make life more complicated for me.

On the one hand, I would probably be even less patient with my wife because I don't have any other option anymore to get my needs for intimacy met, and perhaps even subconciously blame her for the fact that my affair decided against me.... On the other hand, I may "compare" my relationship with my wife with my affair - and given that memories tend to become "better" as time goes by, my expectations would increase....

Oh gosh, nothing is easy.... the movie on Saturday was kind of interesting, and it had two lines that made me think... There was this woman who had decided to move in with her boyfrined, but was clearly attracted to another man... She said something like "there are decision's in your life that you have to make and have to stick to". Later on, her boyfriend, feeling that something was wrong, said to her that "if something is wrong, you need to leave. I am Irish, and I stick to a decision even if it hurts". Well, I am not Irish, but I can relate. I feel like I am caught in a web of previous decisions that I have taken, and it seems to be too difficult to free myself from my choices of the past.

After the movie, when my wife and I walked to the car, I felt like simply saying: "Listen, I've fallen in love with someone else. I need to figure things out, and I need to be alone in order to do that." And I think that's exactly what I need! The only problem is: My affair. Because in order to be able to figure things out, I would need her to be ready for that as well. And she made very clear to me that in case she didn't feel that I wasn't doing everything for my current relationship, she wouldn't want to be with me.... But I would need her - I would need her willingness to explore our relationship.... I can't just move out and sit in an apartment and think things out. I don't believe that it would work for me. I would need to be by myself, but figure out both relationships - only then would I be able to make a decision - for my wife, for my affair, or simply being alone.... Plus, there's the other problem that I am caught in a web of previous decisions... and so I am not sure that I had the strength to tell my wife about it at all....

So all I can do is see what life brings, and hope that sooner or later there will be a bit more clarity....

The only good thing was that I didn't miss my affair all weekend long - at least not constantly... If I had, I would have felt very bad, especially given that she was with her boyfriend... so I only allowed myself to think of her once I while - anmd I can tell you: I am soo much in love with her - I am not sure that she understands the intensity of my feelings, and to a certain extend I hope that she doesn't understand it. I mean, it goes so deep that I am almost afraid of it, and I think she would be really afraid, given that she has doesn't really want to be in a loving relationship for fear of getting hurt....