Is it over now?

Ok, my affair wasn't at work yesterday either, so she was in fact sick - and most likely didn't see her boyfriend. But I think it doesn't matter anymore :-(

I went by her place yesterday to bring her some Valentine's Day flowers, but unfortunately she wasn't at home - so I put them in her mailbox (and I fear she probably threw them away right away...). So I've given her flowers last Friday, yesterday, and send her SMS's on Monday and Tuesday - but no word from her. I haven't heard from her since I talked to her last Wednesday - and I had the impression that we had a very nice talk last Wednesday....

So it appears to me that she has decided not to see me - and I don't have any clue why. I wrote her an e-mail an hour ago, and told her that I'd love to see her, but that I'd accept if she didn't want to see me. And if this was the case, she simply shouldn't bother responding to the e-mail. And she hasn't responded yet... Well, you may think, perhaps she hasn't checked her e-mail yet.... but no, I know that she has...

So it seems that we are parting on Valentine's Day....

OK, but let's look at my feelings. I haven't seen her in seven days, so how did I do? Well, actually not too bad. I have been able to compartmentalize my feelings and be there for my wife as much as possible, while feeling this burning - but beautiful - desire for my affair whenever I wanted.

And my wife has been trying hard to be a better partner - she really has. And yes, I've got to admit that not seeing my affair has helped me in being a better partner myself and putting more effort into it. But I am not sure whether it will work out - or whether anything will change because my affair has put a stop on the affair....

It's as simple as that: I have discovered what intimacy is and what kind of intimacy I need, and I am simply not willing anymore to compromise. And I am very doubtful that my wife and I will ever reach this level of intimacy that I've experienced with my affair. Of course, I will try my best to make it work, but I would have tried my best anyway...

The danger now is whether I may settle for the second best - staying in a not-so-great-but-still-ok relationship because it's the easiest thing to do, especially since I don't have any clue whether I'll be able to find anybody like my affair again....

Oh yes, you may say, but once you've reached your decision, perhaps your affair gives you a second chance? No I don't think that this will happen - If I am correct in my assumption about our emotions, than we will need to work really hard to forget each other; we'll need to work really hard to push each other from our minds, and I am not sure whether we can allow any emotion to remain that we could then later build on.

Moreover, we also need to re-develop a feeling of trust...

Nevertheless, I remain hopeful: Perhaps she has not yet read her e-mail; perhaps she'll respond later today, tomorrow or next week... and if we can't enjoy fully what we have together, perhpas we can at least try to build a friendship... She is important to me, she knows so much about me and has so many insights, so many characteristics that I'd like not only as a partner, but also as a friend, so perhaps we can at least rescue a friendship....

I'll keep you updated. At the moment, I am very, very sad....