I am desperate...

I always wondered why people create blogs.... Now I know why! I am in a desperate situation, and simply writing it down will hopefully help me to deal with it - well, that's what the good old diaries were meant for anyway, correct? And if any of you have any comments, hints, helpful suggestions, let me know.

OK, so here's the story: I am 35 years old and have been married to a wonderful wife for 8 years. We have a very beautiful 17-month old daughter. Everything would be fine, but ....

I started an affair with a colleague about 3.5 years ago. We meet on an irregular basis, but usually about 2-3 times per month. Until a few weeks ago, I thought that I did it just for the sex. And believe me: It was fantastic sex, the best sex I've ever had - and probably will ever have...

And then I noticed that I deeply, truly love this woman. I would have never imagined it; I was very sure and confident that it was purely for the sex.

How did it happen: She told me that she was seeing someone, and that she therefore couldn't see me anymore. And that got me thinking. Interestingly, she told me about half a year ago that she was seeing someone, but I didn't mind at all. So why was it so different this time?

I discovered emotions for her that I didn't think would be there. And they are deeper than any kind of love I've ever experienced before. You could argue that this is not "love", but rather "being in love", and therefore the emotions are stronger. But I don't think so. I believe that in her I have found the person who complements me, who is the right one for me.....

So what about her? Does she love me? I know that she did kind of fell in love with me at one point in the past, and that she worked hard to rationalize this feeling in order to enjoy what I was able to give her.... She never made any demands, and everything seemed to be perfect.... but does she love me know? She told me once, but ever since I really took the time to explain my feelings, she didn't say it again... Did I scare her?