OK, I spent this weekend with a very good friend of mine, and we had a long talk about everything.
I was a bit afraid of talking to her; she's also a friend of my wife. But I really needed to talk. I figured out what's wrong in my relationship with my wife: Intimacy. She's a good friend and partner, but there's simply no intimacy in our relationship. And let's be honest: There probably never was.
This affair wasn't the first time that I cheated on her. When I cheated, I thought that I was looking for a new experience, an new body - but I was looking for intimacy. During the past 3.5 year, I "cheated" once on my affair and she found out. She asked me to never do it again - and I never did, I never had the desire and would have never done anything to endanger this affair. Isn't this stupid? I cheat on my wife, but I don't cheat on my affair....
Anyway, this lack of intimacy with my wife has impacts of all aspects of our life- It's not only that our sex is not that great, but it's also that she subconciously has a "me-first" attitude, and there are lots of moments when it shows.
The intimacy that I enjoy with my affair is as intimate as it can get. I cannot imagine anything better. Just being with her makes me the happiest person on this planet.
Would it ever be possible to reach such a level of intimacy with my wife? I don't think so. Would it ever be possible to reach a level of intimacy with my wife that that satisfies me enough to continue our marriage? Again, I don't think so, but I need to try....
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