My hgiher power

I am really glad that I believe in a higher power. A higher power that loves me and takes care of me. A higher power that challenges me, but ensures that I have the capability of meeting the challenge.

Yesterday, I noticed that I've started rationalizing. That I fell back into old behavior. I mean, the "rational" thing to do is to forget about my affair, try to improve my marriage, but stick to it no matter whether or not I am able to improve it. Because I have a family, and I have responsibility towards my family. Gosh, I was so shocked when I noticed that I was doing it - that's the behavior I've learned from my mom, and my mom wasn't a very happy person.... Rationalizing the situation is ok to a certain extent, because it makes it easier to deal with it, but I went way too far.

And once I noticed it, I again felt this incredible love for my affair... I went out with a friend yesterday evening, a guy who likes to talk about economics and politics, and usually I enjoy it. Yesterday, however, I wasn't able to think about anything else but my affair. Glad that my friend didn't mind me not saying much... :-)

My affair said that she has the impression that I already made a decision - against my wife. I said "no", but thought of that for quite a bit. And I am pretty sure that I haven't made that decision yet. Yes, there are situations when I just want to give up, but so far I am fighting for my marriage. My wife and I had a terrible fight today about some behavior that has bothered me for a long time - only that in the past I often accepted it. But I am learning that I cannot keep quite and simply accept, but that I have to talk to her about it - because only when I talk about it, she has a chance to understand me and perhaps to change. I am really trying my best.

I missed my affair today soo much. I would have liked to just go by and say "hello", just hold her in my arms for a few minutes.... I am thinking: I am fairly sure that she fell in love with me before, but needed to push this love away becuase I could not respond to it. But whom did she then fell in love with? This unemotional, rational me that was mainly interested in sex. I think that I am now very different - very emotional, and we don't have sex anymore... Could she still love this "different me"? Not sure about that - probably depends on why she fell in love with me the first time around.... And I am not sure, but it might simply be because it was "safe" to fall in love with me - as it is "safe" for her to be with her boyfriend - he's likely too old for a serious relationship, and I was in a serious realtionship. She might be protecting herself from falling in love again with someone who is available - for the simple reason that she's been hurt too much...

It's fairly understandable. But it means that I need to be careful, because the last thing I want to do is ti hurt her....

I still can't believe that she's coming with me on this business trip - it'll be sooo great.

I mentioned to her that I am thinking of going on vacation this year without my family. Not sure yet whether it'll work out, but I hope it does. I mentioned that it would be nice if she could join me, as this would a) simply be a geat vacation and b) would give as an opportunity to really get to know each other. Unfortunately, she didn't say much to it. I was hoping that she'd say something like "This would be great" or "I'd love to be able to do that with her"... but who know what will happen...

And so the story continues...