So, I wrote her an e-mail. Essentially saying that we shouldn't meet, and that we need to stop it. That I couldn't take it no longer - that the only way this could work differently would be if she fought for us.
How stupid were I? I mean: She did exactly that - fighting. She wrote me an e-mail and offered to meet - essentially every day of the week until the end of next week - but for this weekend. I mean, I should have been happy about it...
I think there are two reasons for my reaction: First, she's obviously seeing him this weekend, and after canceling on me last weekend, it's more than I can take. I think if she had e-mailed me on Monday or yesterday, it would have been better: I would have been able to make time to see her. I simply don't have any time this tomorrow - and then she's seeing him again! That means that she's seen him two or three times since the last time I saw her... and she's avoided personal contact in the office - didn't even want to join me for a cig break -so I am jealous and I feel used...
The other reason is how she wrote her e-mail... it was simply a "want to meet for a coffee" question... other then "I am sorry", she doesn't communicate much about her emotions. Yes, we had a long and good talk last Friday, but that was about it - now it's back to normal, which means that she reserves all of her emotions for her boyfriend - and there are none left for me...
Gosh, I hate her, I love her, I am disappointed with her, I adore her, I crave for her, I simply WANT her - all at the same time.
Most of all, I hate myself: Why did I write this e-mail, which most likely really ended this? Why couldn't I wait until tomorrow, to see how I feel then? I really regret having written it - and I cannot take it back! I'd love an "undo" function, and I'd use it immediately.
Yes, I think I made it clear that it didn't have to end, but that I needed more from her - and that's the truth ... but the truth is also: How likely is it that she'll fight for us? How likely is it that she'll send me another e-mail asking to meet? No, I don't think that she'll do that.
Most likely, she'll be glad that it's over - she'll be with her boyfriend this weekend, have a really nice time with him and will have forgotten about me by next week... :-(
How stupid am I? Last week, I was on the verge of separating from my wife - and I am sure that I would not have regretted it - and this week the relationship with my affair ends - and I am sure I'll regret it...
My life is a rollercoaster right now - so how can expect my (former!!!) affair to actually hold on to me? Well, at least I did something good in the end: She doesn't have to make a decision as I kind of did it for her- but again: I fear that I will regret having written this e-mail for a very long time....
Oh well, so be it - it's too late know - I cannot undo it.... I am so sorry.
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