I talked to my wife....

I finally found the courage yesterday to talk to my wife. Not about my affair and my love for another woman. This wouldn't be fair. If our marriage is supposed to have any chance at all, then I cannot tell her.

I said that I was missing the "intimacy" and everything else that I wrote in an earlier post. She was very quite, accpeted what I was saying, and said that she needed time to think about it. Now I have two women around me who need time to think... :-) I have the feeling that I am messing up my whole life.

No, this is not true. I need to find myself, to figure out what I want from life, and then act accordingly. This could be my marriage, my affair, or neither. Yes, I still think that it'll be my affair - but I am getting more and more desperate.

But back to my wife. She said that she needed to think, and that she needed to talk about it with her therapist. She recently changed her therapist, mainly because of our sexual problems, but now I know that it is not about the sex, but about intimacy - if we had the intimacy, sex would probably not be a problem. But later on she said that this is probably the reason why people get divorced - that they discover a problem that they simple cannot solve. I got the feeling that she understands exactly what I am talking about, what I mean with the word "intimacy", but that she's unsure whether she's able to do anything about it. She has had emotional problems in the past, and she was able to solve them. My impression was that we're now really facing a big challenge, and we both know it - and we know that this challenge might be too big for us.

I am relieved that I was able to tell my wife about it, and I feel that we know now exactly where we're at. And i've got to admit: It would be very nice if we could solve this, but somehow I don't think that we're able to do so.

I sent my affair an e-mail this morning, telling her that I'd really like to just see her. I also told her that she shouldn't feel obliged to read my e-mails or to respond to them, and that she should tell me if such e-mails bother her, in which case I would stop. And she didn't respond, which is very hard on me. I am thinking of excuses to go to her office, but I can't come up with any.... I am really afraid that she's going to stop seeing me.

I've been thinking of telling her that I cannot see her anymore - hell, I am writing a blog because I need a channel to air my emotions! This would probably also fair towards my wife.

But I can't do that right now. I do love her so much, and I am afraid of loosing her. And she gives me the strength to try to find myself. Without her, would I be able to go through this?

I've told her in my e-mail yesterday that I set myself a deadline. Latest by the end of the year I've got to make a decision. But is that too late? Am I already running out of time?