So....

... I am going to meet my affair tonight. And somehow I have the feeling that this will be the last time :-(

I think that I simply have to face reality: I cannot fight anymore. She hasn't been to responsive to my efforts, which already made it a bit difficult. But the business trip broke my neck: I had to realize that all my fighting wouldn't lead to anything - unless she wanted it to lead to something...

But that's not the case :-(

I am simply burned out. There she is, possibly the love of my life, and I have to let go. I cannot fight for my wife and for my affair at the same time. Not unless she fights as well.

I mean, I have clarified for myself that I don't have any desire to cheat anymore. That's important for me - and it should be important to her as well. But will she care? Will she believe me? I mean, it's good that I figured it out, and that I can won't have this need anymore, but it's probably too late for her. And yes, I am clear about my emotions for her. What I still need to figure out are my emotions for my wife - and that takes time, time she cannot give me.

So, that's it - I do surely hope that tonight will not end as I fear it will end, but I do not have much hope. I think I wrote before that "Hope dies last"... It is dying.

But perhaps I am wrong? Yes, I still hope I am wrong, but I would really need her to show me that there's still hope for us.

But no matter what: I am so much looking to see her, and I hope that we won't just sit there and talk, but that I can hold her, feel her, kiss her....