It's over

Ok, it's over. I am disappointed, exhausted, angry, tired - but most of all, I feel empty. There's not much that I can say or do about it, because it's final.

My affair read my blog, which I completely forgot she could do, and obviously read about the adventure last week - and this was for her reason enough to end it.

What can I say? I mean, the main reason why I did it was to verify that I would in fact never ever cheat again, that I could honestly say that I would remain faithful - and I can. But exactly this last "verification" was what ended this whole thing... I mean, it sucks: I figured out that I will be faithful, and she ends everything because I figured it out....

But there's nothing that can be done about it... she was hurt too much in the past, and simply cannot accept my actions, even though I did it for her... no, not true: I did it for myself: I needed to verify it, I needed to see whether it would be possible for me to finally be free of any kind of secrets... and I am! As sad as I am that it is over, I cannot deny that I am relieved that I now that I'll never cheat again... which also means that I can now seriously consider stopping smoking.... :-)

No, there's nothing I can do about the situation - and perhaps nothing I want to do about the situation. Because she's right: She needs to be able to trust me - and if she doesn't think that she'll ever be able to trust me, then there's no hope for us....

Yes, I do have some hope left - hope that she'll understand my point of view, hope that she notices that she doesn't have any reason to not trust me, given that I've always been honest.

But then I know that I've also have to fight this hope - I don't want to live my life based on hope - I've done it for the past weeks, and it is too painful; I've got to move on, especially given that there's only a very limited, small chance that she'll reconsider.. it's too small to base my hope on it.....

I am devasted, but I need to move on with my life. Yes, I was already dreaming of the possibility of a life with her, and yes, and was very curious about it. I was looking foward to really getting to know her, spending lots of time with her, and my feelings told me that it would work out, and that it would have been the right thing to do.

But oh well. Perhaps it was destiny... perhaps I met her because I had to learn something, and I sure did. And perhaps destiny ensures now that she cannot forgive me, because she would not have been the right partner for me.... It's good to believe in a higher power - so I believe that this is the best thing for me, even if it hurts right now... and perhaps my higher power will bring us back together if that's the right thing for me.....