I am not proud....

... but somehow I think I did the right thing yesterday.... or not?

ok, we went out after soccer with the people who played basketball next to us.... and there was this student who for whatever reason was really attracted to me..... how could I resist? I didn't need to do anything, and she was very cute - and just 19 years old.... I mean, will I ever have the chance to do something with a girl that young ever again?

Well, let me tell you that I feel shitty... but I also helped me quite a bit, and I think that in my current state of mind, it was the right thing to do.... it helped me to emotionally move further away from my affair and to regain some self-respect. But what's more important: While it was fun in terms of the sex itself, emotionally I felt terrible, so altogether it wasn't all that great.

Somehow I believe that this might have been the last time that I've cheated, as it simply doesn't do anything to me anymore. Yes, having sex with such a young woman was kind of worth it, but that's what it was all about. I am looking for more than that: I am looking for emotional intimacy, and I've already realized that I cannot find it with some random women... So last night confirmed that I am actually not interested in it at all anymore...

There are only two women who can offer me this emotional intimacy: My affair - and to a certain extend my wife. I've got to say that intimacy between us seems to be improving... not sure that it could actually reach the level that I need, but I've got to be positive...

The problem, however, is that my affair told me yesterday that one other big thing for her is that she doesn't know whether she'd ever be able to trust me. And I think she's got a point... I mean, I don't think that I'll ever cheat again, but you never know... Plus, she knows about my past, so it's understandable that she assumes the same will happen in the future.... and yes, there's nothing I can do about it.... She would need to trust me - otherwise, a relationship wouldn't be possible.... and she's the only one who can know whether she would ever be able to trust me...

But there's more - shall I tell my affair about this or not? I mean, given that she's afraid of me cheating, should I not simply not say anything? I mean, do I have to say something? We're not together, and we're not even in the state where we are trying to see whether there's anything to it - so I actually did not really cheat on her...

One more thing: Once this whole thing is clarified, I know that I want to be faithful; I don't want to have any secrets anymore. But what if it ever happens again? I know that if I stay with my wife, I couldn't tell her... and if I'd build something up with my affair, it seems as if I'd also not be able to tell her... so I really need to ensure that I can stay faitful - it is definitely no good to have these kinds of secrets, and I believe that it has damaged my relationship with my wife, simply because I had to keep something away from her.... so I need to figure out whether my "cheating problem" is now in fact solved, or whether I may want to see a therapist to see whether there's more to it.... whatever it takes, I need to ensure that I can remain faitful!