I gave in...

... and I ask my affair to join me for a cig break - but she was already gone. She wrote me an e-mail later on, telling me that she won't be in the office until Monday...

Problem is: It did bother me! I'd really like to see her - and that's wrong. I shouldn't want to see her, because seeing her doesn't make a difference. It's over and finished! Why can't I accept it?

I really need to work harder to push those feelings away. I cannot continue this way. And I need to do this as quickly as possible in order to be able to go on with my life.

Ok, I admit that I do want to see her, and that I enjoy seeing her. But I need to do something about this "wanting".... and I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. So I will not ask her to see me - this way, I cannot be disappointed. If she wants to see me, it's fine, and I'll enjoy it, but I won't ask her anymore.... Of course, this means that I'll hope that she'll want to see me, but "hope" is a much nicer feeling than "disappointment".... Let's see whether this works.

Ok, I've now got to go to soccer - so most likely I'll see this girl from last week again... I wonder how I'll react....

I wonder whether she's still checking this blog. I don't think so - I mean, the whole thing is over, so why should she be interested? And if she still reads this, I don't care... I have been honest with her, and I'll continue to do so - so there's nothing here that I wouldn't tell her otherwise anyway.