Saw my affair again...

.. today for the first time in two weeks.... I know that there's no chance anymore, but still - even though I know that I will never cheat again in any relationship that I am in - and that's with my wife - I know that my affair will always be an exception, and that I will never stop longing to touch her and kiss her....

Will I ever forget here?

Haven't seen her in almost two weeks - but I cannot forget her.... yes, my feelings don't bother me as much anymore, but still: I'd really like to see her....

Good-bye

Ok, this is probably my last post - it seems as if the situation is at it is, and I don't think anymore that it will change again.

I am very sure of my feelings for my affair, there are as strong and intense as ever - though I will never have the option to figure out whether there's more to it. I am still fairly confident that she has the same feelings, but at the same time she seems to be sure that she doesn't want anything to do with me.... for reasone mentioned before. And it doesn't appear as if she's ever going to change her mind....

So be it. It is out of my hands.

I am now focusing on my relationship with my wife. There have been some improvements, and I am pretty sure that it will further improve. I don't think that it will improve to a point where I can see that I am really happy, but I think it can improve to a point at which I'll feel comfortable - or at least will not feel unhappy.

And if this in fact happens, I will obviously continue my relationship and try to be as best of a husband and father as a can - I know the pitfalls of being single, and being single usually means that you're not happy. And having a relationship in which I am "comfortable" is difficult enough to achieve.

If I had the option between my wife and my affair, and wouldn't know what to choose - or better: I do think I would know, but I would first need to find out more to ensure that it could last. But this option is not available.

But at last, I am at peace with myself. I trust that my higher power watches over me - and if I am meant to stay with my wife - so be it. If I am meant to find happiness with my affair, then we will get together sometime.

Gosh!

I've got to admit: I simply cannot simply let go of my feelings! I drove her home yesterday, and we ended up kissing... very nice, though she ensured that it remained a "friendly" kissing... I guess she knows that it would be "dangerous" if we really kissed... and now I've just met her outside... she is simply amazing - no wonder that I cannot let go! Especially as long as I know that she still has feelings for me...

I am wondering whether there is a way for her to regain trust in me? But here, I am not that optimistic... in order to do so, we would really need to meet outside of work, and I don't think that she's willing to do so... anyway, since I promised myself to respect her decision, I cannot ask her... and what are the chances of her asking me, given that she's sure that she cannot trust me?

Oh well, who knows: Perhaps there's still a chance...

Still needs time...

well, what can I say? I am still missing my affair terribly, I am sad, and I simply cannot accept that it is over.

And I've come to the conclusion that this will not change - and therefore made a decision: I really need to find a new job, preferably in another town - because as long as I am physically close to her, I'll never be able to forget.... so, the job hunting is starting again!

The weekend was not that great: After I felt that my wife and I were making progress and I was getting hopeful, the weekend was not great at all, and I am less sure than I was before that we can make it last... but let's see: I think we both feel that we've made two steps backward and that we urgently need to change it again for the better!

But I've got good news as well: I've met this girl again on Thursday, and I was absolutely not interested, depsite the fact that she asked me directly whether I wanted to have some "fun" again! It was a very liberating experience - not only to say "no", but also to feel "no". If anybody had told me a few moth ago that I would be able to say "no" in such a situation, I would not have believe it... So, this issue is at last behind me; unfortunately one experience too late, but I cannot do anything about that.

I gave in...

... and I ask my affair to join me for a cig break - but she was already gone. She wrote me an e-mail later on, telling me that she won't be in the office until Monday...

Problem is: It did bother me! I'd really like to see her - and that's wrong. I shouldn't want to see her, because seeing her doesn't make a difference. It's over and finished! Why can't I accept it?

I really need to work harder to push those feelings away. I cannot continue this way. And I need to do this as quickly as possible in order to be able to go on with my life.

Ok, I admit that I do want to see her, and that I enjoy seeing her. But I need to do something about this "wanting".... and I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. So I will not ask her to see me - this way, I cannot be disappointed. If she wants to see me, it's fine, and I'll enjoy it, but I won't ask her anymore.... Of course, this means that I'll hope that she'll want to see me, but "hope" is a much nicer feeling than "disappointment".... Let's see whether this works.

Ok, I've now got to go to soccer - so most likely I'll see this girl from last week again... I wonder how I'll react....

I wonder whether she's still checking this blog. I don't think so - I mean, the whole thing is over, so why should she be interested? And if she still reads this, I don't care... I have been honest with her, and I'll continue to do so - so there's nothing here that I wouldn't tell her otherwise anyway.

Today....

I am more or less ok... yes, I am still very sad - and I don't think that it will change anytime soon... but I noticed that I am not jealous anymore... and that's good, as it means that I have really started to accept her decision... so it's only a questions of time until this feeling of "hope" vanishes - and I think that once I don't have any hope anymore, I'll be better able to deal with my emotions.... :

Well, I may meet her today for a cig break... she said yesterday that she wouldn't mind one.... let's see whether she'll ask...

It's over

Ok, it's over. I am disappointed, exhausted, angry, tired - but most of all, I feel empty. There's not much that I can say or do about it, because it's final.

My affair read my blog, which I completely forgot she could do, and obviously read about the adventure last week - and this was for her reason enough to end it.

What can I say? I mean, the main reason why I did it was to verify that I would in fact never ever cheat again, that I could honestly say that I would remain faithful - and I can. But exactly this last "verification" was what ended this whole thing... I mean, it sucks: I figured out that I will be faithful, and she ends everything because I figured it out....

But there's nothing that can be done about it... she was hurt too much in the past, and simply cannot accept my actions, even though I did it for her... no, not true: I did it for myself: I needed to verify it, I needed to see whether it would be possible for me to finally be free of any kind of secrets... and I am! As sad as I am that it is over, I cannot deny that I am relieved that I now that I'll never cheat again... which also means that I can now seriously consider stopping smoking.... :-)

No, there's nothing I can do about the situation - and perhaps nothing I want to do about the situation. Because she's right: She needs to be able to trust me - and if she doesn't think that she'll ever be able to trust me, then there's no hope for us....

Yes, I do have some hope left - hope that she'll understand my point of view, hope that she notices that she doesn't have any reason to not trust me, given that I've always been honest.

But then I know that I've also have to fight this hope - I don't want to live my life based on hope - I've done it for the past weeks, and it is too painful; I've got to move on, especially given that there's only a very limited, small chance that she'll reconsider.. it's too small to base my hope on it.....

I am devasted, but I need to move on with my life. Yes, I was already dreaming of the possibility of a life with her, and yes, and was very curious about it. I was looking foward to really getting to know her, spending lots of time with her, and my feelings told me that it would work out, and that it would have been the right thing to do.

But oh well. Perhaps it was destiny... perhaps I met her because I had to learn something, and I sure did. And perhaps destiny ensures now that she cannot forgive me, because she would not have been the right partner for me.... It's good to believe in a higher power - so I believe that this is the best thing for me, even if it hurts right now... and perhaps my higher power will bring us back together if that's the right thing for me.....

So....

... I am going to meet my affair tonight. And somehow I have the feeling that this will be the last time :-(

I think that I simply have to face reality: I cannot fight anymore. She hasn't been to responsive to my efforts, which already made it a bit difficult. But the business trip broke my neck: I had to realize that all my fighting wouldn't lead to anything - unless she wanted it to lead to something...

But that's not the case :-(

I am simply burned out. There she is, possibly the love of my life, and I have to let go. I cannot fight for my wife and for my affair at the same time. Not unless she fights as well.

I mean, I have clarified for myself that I don't have any desire to cheat anymore. That's important for me - and it should be important to her as well. But will she care? Will she believe me? I mean, it's good that I figured it out, and that I can won't have this need anymore, but it's probably too late for her. And yes, I am clear about my emotions for her. What I still need to figure out are my emotions for my wife - and that takes time, time she cannot give me.

So, that's it - I do surely hope that tonight will not end as I fear it will end, but I do not have much hope. I think I wrote before that "Hope dies last"... It is dying.

But perhaps I am wrong? Yes, I still hope I am wrong, but I would really need her to show me that there's still hope for us.

But no matter what: I am so much looking to see her, and I hope that we won't just sit there and talk, but that I can hold her, feel her, kiss her....

How am I?

Well, not too bad.... I went out on Friday evening with a friend.... and one thing that was really good was that I could verify the conclusion I reached the day before: I don't seem to be interested in one-night stands anymore....

I got pretty drunk, and we met some other people - and I wasn't interested at all in any of the women there - not that I know whether I'd had any chances, but I wasn't even interested in finding out. Very good! Was kind of a relief - and made me feel free... I really think that I am not interested in sex unless it provides me also with intimacy - and I cannot get that from some random one-night stand.

The bad thing was that I felt this urge for intimacy, so I send a SMS to my affair - which I shouldn't have, because it violates our agreement to be considerate of each others relationship - and her boyfrined was with her... hope it didn't cause any trouble... but I missed her, and I was jealous....

Not surprisingly, I didn't get any response....

Though I am still unclear what my affair is up to.... so, we decided last week to meet tomorrow.... then at the end of last week, she asked me whether we can meet on Thursday instead, which is not that good for me.... I asked her whether we should meet on Friday, since she said that she would be available then, and since I am also available, it might be a better date.... she didn't respond... I sent her an e-mail again today, and still no response... what's more: We wanted to have a cig break together on Friday, but she couldn't make it - was too busy, and I assume that she then had to hurry to meet her boyfriend... so I'd hoped that she'd call me today - but nothing....

Well, what can I do? I know that I cannot bother her as much as I did in the past, that I need to give her the space that she requires...

Otherwise, the weekend was ok... had a nice evening with my wife on Saturday, though then on Sunday I couldn't get my affair out of my head....

I am not proud....

... but somehow I think I did the right thing yesterday.... or not?

ok, we went out after soccer with the people who played basketball next to us.... and there was this student who for whatever reason was really attracted to me..... how could I resist? I didn't need to do anything, and she was very cute - and just 19 years old.... I mean, will I ever have the chance to do something with a girl that young ever again?

Well, let me tell you that I feel shitty... but I also helped me quite a bit, and I think that in my current state of mind, it was the right thing to do.... it helped me to emotionally move further away from my affair and to regain some self-respect. But what's more important: While it was fun in terms of the sex itself, emotionally I felt terrible, so altogether it wasn't all that great.

Somehow I believe that this might have been the last time that I've cheated, as it simply doesn't do anything to me anymore. Yes, having sex with such a young woman was kind of worth it, but that's what it was all about. I am looking for more than that: I am looking for emotional intimacy, and I've already realized that I cannot find it with some random women... So last night confirmed that I am actually not interested in it at all anymore...

There are only two women who can offer me this emotional intimacy: My affair - and to a certain extend my wife. I've got to say that intimacy between us seems to be improving... not sure that it could actually reach the level that I need, but I've got to be positive...

The problem, however, is that my affair told me yesterday that one other big thing for her is that she doesn't know whether she'd ever be able to trust me. And I think she's got a point... I mean, I don't think that I'll ever cheat again, but you never know... Plus, she knows about my past, so it's understandable that she assumes the same will happen in the future.... and yes, there's nothing I can do about it.... She would need to trust me - otherwise, a relationship wouldn't be possible.... and she's the only one who can know whether she would ever be able to trust me...

But there's more - shall I tell my affair about this or not? I mean, given that she's afraid of me cheating, should I not simply not say anything? I mean, do I have to say something? We're not together, and we're not even in the state where we are trying to see whether there's anything to it - so I actually did not really cheat on her...

One more thing: Once this whole thing is clarified, I know that I want to be faithful; I don't want to have any secrets anymore. But what if it ever happens again? I know that if I stay with my wife, I couldn't tell her... and if I'd build something up with my affair, it seems as if I'd also not be able to tell her... so I really need to ensure that I can stay faitful - it is definitely no good to have these kinds of secrets, and I believe that it has damaged my relationship with my wife, simply because I had to keep something away from her.... so I need to figure out whether my "cheating problem" is now in fact solved, or whether I may want to see a therapist to see whether there's more to it.... whatever it takes, I need to ensure that I can remain faitful!

Thinking...

...well, I've been thinking all day about what to do..... and what may happen next.... and I don't have a clue.... but fact of the matter is: I am withdrawing - I cannot deny it. And I think it is self-protection... so let's see what happens on Tuesday... Though if I think that she's seeing him in just about an hour, probably even picking him up at the airport, and then they'll spend the night together... terrible! Somehow I feel that I need to "cheat" just in order to get some control back...

It doesn't....

I just met her during a cig break.... she hadn't read my e-mail yet... and yes, it is terrible: I cannot just say no! My emotions simply run to deep, despite the pain of the last few weeks.

So I ask her to delete the e-mail without reading it - and yes, we're going to meet on Tuesday... let's see what's going to happen...

Will it work?

Ok, I didn't sleep at all last night... thinking of her all the time, and finally thinking of ways to get rid of my emotions....

So, I decided that I'll try to think differently about it - I will try to reduce my emotions to an "affair" and tell myself that it was only about the sex. Funny thing: While I cannot imagine another better than spending a night with her, at the same time I cannot imagine actually doing it - I mean, she's sleeping with someone who's almost old enough to be her father....

OK, but I'll give it a try - it was only about sex and nothing else. The good thing about this is that "sex" can be replaced.... Let's see whether this helps...

I feel so bad...

So, I wrote her an e-mail. Essentially saying that we shouldn't meet, and that we need to stop it. That I couldn't take it no longer - that the only way this could work differently would be if she fought for us.

How stupid were I? I mean: She did exactly that - fighting. She wrote me an e-mail and offered to meet - essentially every day of the week until the end of next week - but for this weekend. I mean, I should have been happy about it...

I think there are two reasons for my reaction: First, she's obviously seeing him this weekend, and after canceling on me last weekend, it's more than I can take. I think if she had e-mailed me on Monday or yesterday, it would have been better: I would have been able to make time to see her. I simply don't have any time this tomorrow - and then she's seeing him again! That means that she's seen him two or three times since the last time I saw her... and she's avoided personal contact in the office - didn't even want to join me for a cig break -so I am jealous and I feel used...

The other reason is how she wrote her e-mail... it was simply a "want to meet for a coffee" question... other then "I am sorry", she doesn't communicate much about her emotions. Yes, we had a long and good talk last Friday, but that was about it - now it's back to normal, which means that she reserves all of her emotions for her boyfriend - and there are none left for me...

Gosh, I hate her, I love her, I am disappointed with her, I adore her, I crave for her, I simply WANT her - all at the same time.

Most of all, I hate myself: Why did I write this e-mail, which most likely really ended this? Why couldn't I wait until tomorrow, to see how I feel then? I really regret having written it - and I cannot take it back! I'd love an "undo" function, and I'd use it immediately.

Yes, I think I made it clear that it didn't have to end, but that I needed more from her - and that's the truth ... but the truth is also: How likely is it that she'll fight for us? How likely is it that she'll send me another e-mail asking to meet? No, I don't think that she'll do that.

Most likely, she'll be glad that it's over - she'll be with her boyfriend this weekend, have a really nice time with him and will have forgotten about me by next week... :-(

How stupid am I? Last week, I was on the verge of separating from my wife - and I am sure that I would not have regretted it - and this week the relationship with my affair ends - and I am sure I'll regret it...

My life is a rollercoaster right now - so how can expect my (former!!!) affair to actually hold on to me? Well, at least I did something good in the end: She doesn't have to make a decision as I kind of did it for her- but again: I fear that I will regret having written this e-mail for a very long time....

Oh well, so be it - it's too late know - I cannot undo it.... I am so sorry.