Yes, it's over...

... let's really face it:

Why has she been avoiding me for the past few weeks?

Because she fears that she actually does know what love is, and that she would realize that she is in love with me.

So she has to make a choice: Does she want to find out what this love is about, or does she prefer the security that she currently has with her boyfriend?

Well, she prefers the security, which I think is actually not much of a security. Fact is: He's 17 years older and lives in a different city. So unless he moves here or she moves there, it will remain a weekend relationship - and in the end not give her what she needs. Or she discovers that there might be other reasons than "love" that make him interested in her... Though I don't hope that this will happen. Even if she gets disappointed again, I hope that she won't have a reason to loose trust.

But in the end: Why do I care? Yes, I know why I care: Because I love her. But I shouldn't.

We agreed to meet next Tuesday, but I know think that it is not a good idea - what good would it do us? I would hope that she'd change her mind - but I know that she won't - her need for "security" is too great.... And: Would I be able to trust her if she changed her mind? I don't know - I lost a lot of trust last week, and she would need to fight for me to show me that I can still trust her. But I cannot see that she would do that.

So it's over.

OK, I'll now focus on improving my relationship with my wife. No time & space anymore to think about a love that never had any chance. I wish she'd had more courage. but I cannot change this.

So I'll now finally say goodbye to my love - and that's it.

No, that's not it: I know that I still hope that she'll somehow realizes what she's doing and fights for me - but what are the chances for that?

Forget about it, it won't happen.... So I'll really need to forget her, because as long as I have any feelings left for her, I won't be able to give up hope....

It seems to be over....

no, I have to face the truth: It is over.

... yeah, I think I am giving up hope now - she has sent me an e-mail, asking to meet me for a coffee... and gave me lots of different dates... this in itself was kind of cery nice BUT for the fact that these dates indicate that she's seeing her boyfriend this weekend...

I guess she won't have to cancel that - and won't see any need to.... which means to me that she's obviously made a decision... not sure whether it's concious or sub-concious, but does that really matter?

Oh well, seems as if it is in fact time to say "good-bye" to what I think might have been the love of my life.....

I did not regret getting into this... it's been a very painful few weeks, but I've learned a lot... though I am disappointed - disappointed because I had hoped that she would at least give us a chance to find out what our feelings are about. Though given her past experience, I accept that it was not possible for her... yet it does not prevent me from being very sad...

So, I've now got a hard time ahead of me as I need to work on pushing my emotions away as quickly as possible. Won't be easy, but it's all I have left.... :-(

Not sure....

So, she didn't come.... there were some problems with the flight, and she decided to use this opportunity to cancel her trip....

That was on Friday morning. I felt very bad and was very disappointed. I mean - this whole weekend was meant to help us to clarify things, and she decided to take this opportunity away from us. But it's worse than that: I planned to stay for the weekend because she was planning to join me, and now there I was in a strange city with shitty weather all by myself... so it was not only that I was disappointed because we couldn't clarify any of our emotions, but I was also disappointed in her as a friend - because it's something that you simply don't do.

And I specifically did everything to make it as "easy" as possible - got a big (and expensive) hotel room with two double beds to ensure that nothing would happen, got two room keys to allow her to not have to hang out with me, and was very sure that I wouldn't have made any move at all to protect her integrity....

And what do I get in return: A kick in the butt!

I spent most of Friday getting her out of my head - and heart. I mean, how can this ever get solved if she's not even interested in solving it? I figured that they could only be two options why she decided not to come: She either decided that she is in love with her boyfriend, or she decided that she didn't want to get in danger of realizing her feelings for me...

Well, at last she called me on Friday evening - and I think it is the latter: She's afraid of falling in love with me....

So I did have two days to think about it, and I think that I don't have any options left: I need to let her go. I know that she's afraid of getting disappointed, and there is a danger that she would get disappointed if she allowed herself to fall in love with me. And I cannot shoulder that burden. She either falls in love and is aware of the risk, or she doesn't - but it must be solely her decision. I cannot do anything anymore to influence her...

And this means to me that I need to bury my feelings, to bury them as deep as I possibly can... and go on with my life.

We discussed on Friday that we may want to try meeting again a few times to see whether it helps us clarify things. But this is her decision, and I will not ask her about it - she has to feel that she wants to see me.

Gosh, this is hard, but I don't have any choice. I do believe that I love her, but this means that I need to stay away from her - and forget her. I have some hope left that she'll feel comfortable going out with me, but I know that it has to happen soon.... In order to not feel the pain too much, I am pushing my emotions as far - and as fast - away as I possibly can, and I know that there is a "point of no return"....

Yes, I know, with time I will forget, and she'll forget.... but there's something I know I'll never forget: That this might have been the best thing happening to me in my life, and I am sad that we don't even have the chance to explore it....

But oh well, I cannot do anything about it anymore - it's completely her choice....

Great news!

I've had some revelations last night, and I must say that I am feeling great. Yes, it was triggered by something really bad happening, but I don't want to go into it right now - that would defeat the purpose. I need to apologize to myself, my affair and my wife for being such a self-absorbed asshole for the past few weeks... I was so self-absorbed, I didn't really notice how fucked up I was.... so forget about everything that I have previously written. The whole thing is now crystal clear to me, and I know exactly what I want and need - and the good thing is: I feel that I am in control of my life again! Yes, I am to a certain extent still depended on the decisions my wife and my affair are going to make, but I know that I'll be able to deal with whatever decision that might be...

Gosh, I am happy that I managed to pull myself out of this dark whole... I am confident that everything will work out just the way its supposed to be....

I was just over...

... at her office. We talked a few minutes about work... It was very nice seeing her, though I really got the impression that she's pulling away.... so this trip might be my last chance to turn the fate, to convince her that's it's worth taking the risk of getting hurt... otherwise, it might be my last chance to show her my love... :-(

Even though I am an optimist, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I need to prepare myself to give up hope... I think I will loose her, and I will loose her forever as I don't think that I'll be able to win her back if my wife and I separate... she'll stick to her decision once she's made it....

Two thoughts...

... have been going through me head recently....

First, I've got this impression that I need to fight for my affair, and I am not sure how long I'll be able to continue it. I mean, I am fighting on two fronts: For my relationship and for my affair, and I am not sure whether I can keep it up. It is exhausting... What I would need is the feeling that at least I don't need to fight for my affair. I wouldn't need her commitment or anything like that, but somehow a decision to at least remain open to the possibility. And yes, this would involve that we'd see each other - at least for a coffee or a beer in the evening...

Well, the second though that I am having is very much related to the first one, even though it might not initially appear this way. My affair told me a few weeks ago that perhaps all this was about was that I am afraid of using my "toy"... I don't think so, but I think that I am looking for was out of this situation.... so perhpas I should simply test this theory... well, I am going out tomorrow evening, so that would be an opportunity... though I am not sure whether I would be able to.... well, I've got to think about it a bit more - but if I tried it out just once, and realized that my "obsession" is nothing else than fearing to loose my "toy", then I'd have one problem less - and my affair as well. But I cannot imagine at all that this could be true - my feelings seems to be too intense and "true"...

So what I think is that I really need her to make a decision - as long as the decision is not to NOT see me... It can be we just going out once in a while, me being her "toy", or us trying to figure out what this is all about - whatever that means...

Am I making any progress at all?

Somehow I feel that I don't - well, I do, but it doesn't seem to change anything. I am really trying to work on my relationship with my wife, but the more or try, the less optimistic I am.

I am trying to get my affair out of my head, but the more I try, the more I become aware of my emotions towards her.

I am hoping that my affair decides that what we have is worth the risk, but I also don't have the feeling that I am getting anywhere there.

I am sitting at home, and all I'd like to do is go by her place or at least call her to hear her voice. But I am not sure that she'd like that. I am not sure that she likes any of the small things that I do for her - I think that all this achieves is just to annoy her.

I am wondering: Why did she decide to go with me on this business trip? A few final days to let me down more easily? That's my fear - but I don't think so. She wouldn't do that. But why then? To simply enjoy the time? Perhaps, but I am not sure. Too many emotions involved to simply have a nice time. No, I really think that she is coming because she wants to see what this is about, she wants to give it a chance.... this would be great, though I have the feeling that I'll be losing out - there's this vicious circle, and I haven't found a way out of it... I wish she would tell me what I can do to give us a chance...

A difficult weekend...

I went on a date with my wife on Saturday evening, which wasn't really what I expected. We went to the movies, which was nice, but I had hoped that she would suggest to go for a drink afterwards, which she didn't. Yes, I could have suggested it myself, but I wanted to see whether she would think of anything like that....

We later on had sex, which was kind of ok, but good a negative touch a day later.... On Sunday, we really made an effort... in the morning, we took a bath together, which was kind of romantic, and I felt again a bit closer to her. However, this illusion was destroyed in the evening.

In the evening, I lighted some candles, put on some nice music, and wanted to dance with her... Her response was "I want to read"... Nevertheless, she managed to dance with me for three songs, but it was clear that she only did it because she felt that she had to...

I was very disappointed, and we had a long discussion about it. A few things were said that are of relevance. I told her that it appeared to me that she wants to be in charge of "romantic moments" and "intimate moments", and as long as she's in charge, it's fine with her, but she's not fine with it if I am in charge, e.g. by surprising her.... So not much flexibility there, and as long as she only feels in charge every few weeks or so, I cannot accept it. She said that it this statement made a lot of sense, and that perhaps she has the limitation that she feels that she needs to be in control.... so one more problem....

On the other hand, she said that I cannot expect that after such a long time, we have a relationship like we had when we initially fell in love. And that made me think: Perhaps I compare my relationship to my wife with my affair - and perhaps that is not fair. If I ever got together with my affair, how would our relationship look like in nine years from now? Would we still have the intimacy and that passion that we are now sharing? I cannot know, but I surely hope so - I mean, it would be up to us.... and from my point of view, we've already started out with more intimacy and passion than my relationship with my wife started out with...

Just talked to my affair for a few seconds outside. Not long, but it was great seeing her - made me very happy. To a certain extend, I think that the few days that we'll have together during my business trip will move us closer to a decision. I feel - or hope? - that she would want to explore what's happening with us, whether there's something substantial that we can build on, but I fear that she'll make a rational choice for herself and decide that she cannot do it - simply because it is too difficult for her. I would understand.... but it would surely be very difficult for me to accept the decision.... and it would make life more complicated for me.

On the one hand, I would probably be even less patient with my wife because I don't have any other option anymore to get my needs for intimacy met, and perhaps even subconciously blame her for the fact that my affair decided against me.... On the other hand, I may "compare" my relationship with my wife with my affair - and given that memories tend to become "better" as time goes by, my expectations would increase....

Oh gosh, nothing is easy.... the movie on Saturday was kind of interesting, and it had two lines that made me think... There was this woman who had decided to move in with her boyfrined, but was clearly attracted to another man... She said something like "there are decision's in your life that you have to make and have to stick to". Later on, her boyfriend, feeling that something was wrong, said to her that "if something is wrong, you need to leave. I am Irish, and I stick to a decision even if it hurts". Well, I am not Irish, but I can relate. I feel like I am caught in a web of previous decisions that I have taken, and it seems to be too difficult to free myself from my choices of the past.

After the movie, when my wife and I walked to the car, I felt like simply saying: "Listen, I've fallen in love with someone else. I need to figure things out, and I need to be alone in order to do that." And I think that's exactly what I need! The only problem is: My affair. Because in order to be able to figure things out, I would need her to be ready for that as well. And she made very clear to me that in case she didn't feel that I wasn't doing everything for my current relationship, she wouldn't want to be with me.... But I would need her - I would need her willingness to explore our relationship.... I can't just move out and sit in an apartment and think things out. I don't believe that it would work for me. I would need to be by myself, but figure out both relationships - only then would I be able to make a decision - for my wife, for my affair, or simply being alone.... Plus, there's the other problem that I am caught in a web of previous decisions... and so I am not sure that I had the strength to tell my wife about it at all....

So all I can do is see what life brings, and hope that sooner or later there will be a bit more clarity....

The only good thing was that I didn't miss my affair all weekend long - at least not constantly... If I had, I would have felt very bad, especially given that she was with her boyfriend... so I only allowed myself to think of her once I while - anmd I can tell you: I am soo much in love with her - I am not sure that she understands the intensity of my feelings, and to a certain extend I hope that she doesn't understand it. I mean, it goes so deep that I am almost afraid of it, and I think she would be really afraid, given that she has doesn't really want to be in a loving relationship for fear of getting hurt....

My hgiher power

I am really glad that I believe in a higher power. A higher power that loves me and takes care of me. A higher power that challenges me, but ensures that I have the capability of meeting the challenge.

Yesterday, I noticed that I've started rationalizing. That I fell back into old behavior. I mean, the "rational" thing to do is to forget about my affair, try to improve my marriage, but stick to it no matter whether or not I am able to improve it. Because I have a family, and I have responsibility towards my family. Gosh, I was so shocked when I noticed that I was doing it - that's the behavior I've learned from my mom, and my mom wasn't a very happy person.... Rationalizing the situation is ok to a certain extent, because it makes it easier to deal with it, but I went way too far.

And once I noticed it, I again felt this incredible love for my affair... I went out with a friend yesterday evening, a guy who likes to talk about economics and politics, and usually I enjoy it. Yesterday, however, I wasn't able to think about anything else but my affair. Glad that my friend didn't mind me not saying much... :-)

My affair said that she has the impression that I already made a decision - against my wife. I said "no", but thought of that for quite a bit. And I am pretty sure that I haven't made that decision yet. Yes, there are situations when I just want to give up, but so far I am fighting for my marriage. My wife and I had a terrible fight today about some behavior that has bothered me for a long time - only that in the past I often accepted it. But I am learning that I cannot keep quite and simply accept, but that I have to talk to her about it - because only when I talk about it, she has a chance to understand me and perhaps to change. I am really trying my best.

I missed my affair today soo much. I would have liked to just go by and say "hello", just hold her in my arms for a few minutes.... I am thinking: I am fairly sure that she fell in love with me before, but needed to push this love away becuase I could not respond to it. But whom did she then fell in love with? This unemotional, rational me that was mainly interested in sex. I think that I am now very different - very emotional, and we don't have sex anymore... Could she still love this "different me"? Not sure about that - probably depends on why she fell in love with me the first time around.... And I am not sure, but it might simply be because it was "safe" to fall in love with me - as it is "safe" for her to be with her boyfriend - he's likely too old for a serious relationship, and I was in a serious realtionship. She might be protecting herself from falling in love again with someone who is available - for the simple reason that she's been hurt too much...

It's fairly understandable. But it means that I need to be careful, because the last thing I want to do is ti hurt her....

I still can't believe that she's coming with me on this business trip - it'll be sooo great.

I mentioned to her that I am thinking of going on vacation this year without my family. Not sure yet whether it'll work out, but I hope it does. I mentioned that it would be nice if she could join me, as this would a) simply be a geat vacation and b) would give as an opportunity to really get to know each other. Unfortunately, she didn't say much to it. I was hoping that she'd say something like "This would be great" or "I'd love to be able to do that with her"... but who know what will happen...

And so the story continues...

She's coming!

I'll have lots of happy days ahead of me! She yesterday confirmed that she would be coming with me on this business trip - not as long as I had hoped for, but it doesn't matter... I didn't think that she would say yes, so I am just like in seventh heaven....!!!!

So why do I actually want her to come? I mean, the playing field is level, we kind of know where we're at and what we have to do... Well, the answer is simple: I am not sure what will happen on this journey that I am on, but I know that through this journey, I will find love and intimacy. Well, in the worst case scenario there may not be someone to share it with, but the most important thing is that I'll find it!

And right now, I do have this love and intimacy with my affair. I cannot know whether it'll last or whether we'll in fact end up being together, but I simply want to enjoy this feeling. And I will!

I don't have any expectations for these few days. All I want is to be with her, to get to know her even better, and to feel my emotions. I know that it will be great!

Yes, I do worry a bit - about her. I am confident that this is the right thing to do for me - but is it the right thing to do for her? I am not sure, but I trust that she made the right decision by saying "yes". I trust that she will enjoy these days as well, and I trust that she will also benefit from it in such a way that helps her find out what's right for her.

The worst case scenario could of course be that she says that she cannot see me anymore. Yes, I admit that there's a danger that this will happen. But if it happens, I rely on my higher power that it is also the right decision for me.

I am so happy!

Lots of things to think about

There are lots of thoughts going through my head, and it is difficult to know where to start.

I was at her place yesterday evening, and enjoyed it very much. I don't remember when I last had such a beautiful evening with someone. We initially talked a lot, I cried a lot, we tried to get a grip on what's happening - or better: I tried to get a grip on what's happening. Later one, we just laid in bed, close to each other, touching each other. It was wonderful!

But we still talked, and thinking about everything, I have again more questions than answers.

First of all, yes, I love her, but more than that, I love this feeling of loving here, I love this feeling of intimacy. This is what I've been missing, and it it what I am looking for. But I realized that it it not the only thing that I am looking for. One thing that my wife has been giving me is unconditional love. I never had to question her love, I could always rely on it - well, not always; we had a period when we almost split up five years ago. So it's kind of as long as everything is ok, we know that we can rely on each other's love, but that doesn't mean that it can't change, though we are open and honest about it and tell our partner. And as my wife told me 5 years ago when we first had problems, I now told my wife about it.

But this type of love is what I need. And it is a type of love that I am now sure whether my affair is willing/able to give me. She's questioning too much her own feelings, she's too unsure about them, doesn't trust them, doesn't want to get hurt. But this is nothing I should concern myself now. I do know that she has strong emotions for me, and if we end up together, there will be time to find out whether we can establish the trust that is needed to make it work for both of us.

And I now really appreciate why I need my affair in all of this, why I can't simply let her go: I am panicked! I now what my mom did, staying with my father whom she didn't love, and when she finally wanted to separate, something happened, which made her spend another 17 years with him, completely giving up her own needs and desires.

When I was younger, I promised that I would never ever do that. And now I realize that I have been doing it for quite a few years... and I am scared that for some reason I will go back into my little "bubble" and continue it.... I mean, no surprises there - it's learned behavior. I know what my needs are, I know what I want, but I do need to have my affairs support right now. If I didn't have it, I think I would do the worst thing possible and escape as quickly as possible, simply because I am too afraid of doing my mom's mistakes all over again. So I do hope that she'll be able to support me.

If she can support me, then I am actually in the best position possible. There are a few challenges: What about her relationship with that guy? What kind of emotions does she have for him? Or does she love me? And can she trust me doing the right thing? Well, I can't do anything about the first point - the guys's there and that's that. All I know is that I don't think that she really loves him, but that he's able to give her something that is very important to her, and that's why she enyojs being with him and feels close to him. Nothing I can do about, at least not until I can offer her my love without any restrictions. On the other hand, will it last? I mean, it's like me being together with an 18 year old! If I were sinlge, I would definitely not say "no"... there's so much an 18 year old can offer that I couldn't resist liking and testing while it lasts.... but it could not satiesfy me long term... Well I shouldn't talk about her realtionship with that guy. In the end, I don't know anything about it, and perhaps they are really made for each other. I am just afraid of her getting hurt - and my feeling is that she will get hurt, but I truly hope that I am wrong....

Yes, believe me: If she were going to be happy with that guy, I wouldn't mind it. She has already given me so much, and she deserves happiness.

The second point, whether or not she loves me is another thing that I cannot influence - at least not right now.... but again, I trst my feeling.....

That leaves the third point: Will she be able to trust me? And this something I can do something about. I know that she will only accept any advances from me if she trusts that I tried everything to rescue my current relationship... sounds kind of crazy, but that's how it is. And this is exactly what I want to do: Do everything to rescue my current relationship! And yes, there is definitely a chance, because essentially there's not too much wrong.. well, yeah... the intimacy/sex issue. But my wife has started to work really hard on it, so I am kind of optimistic.... The question is whether we can bring it to a level that we both enjoy and are comfortable with, and whether we can keep it up. But we'll see about it later.

Oh yes, there's a small little other problem: The question whether I still love me wife. I am trying to avoid this question because it hurts so much. I just hope that I will again feel the feeling of love for her again once we're a bit further along the way. And this is a tricky thing: Yes, I would separate from her if I had to admit that I cannot feel the love anymore, and no, I wouldn't have any chances with my affair either, because she would not accept this being a good reason to separate!

The one real challenge that I am facing right now that I noticed this morning that I am slowly cracking up. I had this vanishing thought of just wanting to leave everything behind, go somewhere else and escape the whole situation. I did this before, and yeah, it actually turned out to be the right decision, probably the only decision that made it possible for me to remain sane. And that's the problem: It is an attractive option, given that it has worked before....

And this is why I know that I need my affair. I have the feeling that she really and truly understands me, and supports me in ways that she's probably not even aware of. I mean, just being with her yesterday gave me so much strength! So I hope that she can continue to do this, that these meetings are also good for her, that she as well gets something out of it.

And I've got to admit: Yes, I hope that I'll get a chance to sleep with her again. I mean, exploring her body with the new knowledge that I have, being very close to her, being inside her... wow!
But I am afraid that it won't happen... I think that she has made her decision, even though she hasn't admitted it to me yet - or even to herself. She has decided that she will give this guy all she can give him, hoping that this will help her in finding what she's looking for. so all I can do is accepting whatever she's willing to give me, and I'll be happy with it.

Update!

Good news. I am meeting her tonight. As it is Valentine's Day, I was supposed to be at home, but my wife doesn't feel that good so she's actually glad that I am away. And what could be better than to spend it with my affair?

I feel great! Yes, she said that this was for "discussion" only, and I think she's serious, and I know that this evening might be more "sad" than "happy", but I'll try my best to ensure that it will be happy. It's nice to discuss, but I am not planning on discussing the "issues" all evening long... That's not fun, and I am afraid that she think that I am not "fun" altogether.

On the other hand, I am not sure whether she's willing/able to discuss the "happy" aspects of the situation....

I am just glad to be given the opportunitiy to hold her, touch her, kiss her... Well, she said it was "discussion" only, but I surely hope that I'll still be allowed to kiss her?!?

I love you!

OK, I wanted to go back to work, but I think there will be no work for me today.....

But as I've said before, I gave her the address of this blog, so I do want to take the chance of saying some things.

so here we go:

I do love you. I believe that what we have is valuable in itself, and whatever the outcome is, the experience alone will add so much to our lives that it is worth the risk. I wish you could share this believe. I am not scared of whatever comes next, because I know that whatever I am doing now I do because I gain from it and grow with it. Whether it is being with you or just holding on to my love even though you cannot respond to it - it doesn't matter. I know that loving you is the right thing to do for me, and I am prepared to face whatever the consequences might be. I love you.

Ok, enough of that. This is not the place to write to somebody personally; it's almost like trying to manipulate her. So I won't do it again. But I simply needed to say it.

It is over now...

I've just met my affair.... and I finally walked away. I love her so much, but I am simply not the best for her. I cannot provide what she needs as long as I am in a relationship, and I cannot ask her to wait for me, given that I am not sure whether I'll ever be available.

I hate myself. How can I do that? How can I hurt someone so much that I love so much? Why do I have to get her in the situation where she has to make the choice between two men, two men that can give her different things that she desires and deserves? And why do I have to be the one who loses out? I don't even have a fighting chance: If I left my wife now, she would be afraid that she's responsible - and that would have an impact on whatever Iwould be able to build up with her. And I can't stay with my wife to figure things because my affair cannot wait - and fears the risk of me deciding to stay with my wife.... It's a viscous circle, and I don't have any option to influence it.

Yes, it would all depend on her - on her finding the strength to go through this, on her taking the risk - on her trusting in our love.

I've just send her a long e-mail, just spelling out all my thoughts.... perhaps the last try to give her strength by telling her all about my love, and how important she is to me, what she means to me. I gave her the address of this blog - not sure why, but I did - so she's probably reading it... So let me use this opportunity to say: "I love you!!!!!".

I know that she fundamentally changed my life - it will never be the same. No, she actually didn't do it. She opnened a door by giving me the chance to love her, and I took the opportunity to look at myself, my wishes, my desires, my expectations from life. And I discovered that it is this love for her that I want to have in my life.

I told her earlier that it is the love that I want to have in my love, and it doesn't matter whom I get it from, whether it is her or my wife or somebody else. But I realize that this isn't true. I want to experience this love with her. And I would only opt to stay with my wife if we can achieve something that is at least close to what I feel for my affair. Yes, I know, this will be a difficult undertaking, but I've got to give it a try... I mean, what are the chances of my affair and me getting together again in a year from now? I know that I will try, but I fear that she may have lots of reasons why she cannot try it.... Perhaps the reason is that she's actually afraid of her emotions. I mean, they are fundamental, and I've probably been so afraid of them that I denied myself these emotions for more than two years, so perhaps it is the same for her.

I've asked my affair to re-consider, to see me one more time, or to even spend a few days with me on a business trip that I am taking soon. I so very much hope that she says yes. I am currently living one day at a time, and even if she decides afterwards that she doesn't want to see me anymore: At least I had those few moments. I would be able to remember those few moments for the rest of my life, and it would be a beautiful memory.

Is it over now?

Ok, my affair wasn't at work yesterday either, so she was in fact sick - and most likely didn't see her boyfriend. But I think it doesn't matter anymore :-(

I went by her place yesterday to bring her some Valentine's Day flowers, but unfortunately she wasn't at home - so I put them in her mailbox (and I fear she probably threw them away right away...). So I've given her flowers last Friday, yesterday, and send her SMS's on Monday and Tuesday - but no word from her. I haven't heard from her since I talked to her last Wednesday - and I had the impression that we had a very nice talk last Wednesday....

So it appears to me that she has decided not to see me - and I don't have any clue why. I wrote her an e-mail an hour ago, and told her that I'd love to see her, but that I'd accept if she didn't want to see me. And if this was the case, she simply shouldn't bother responding to the e-mail. And she hasn't responded yet... Well, you may think, perhaps she hasn't checked her e-mail yet.... but no, I know that she has...

So it seems that we are parting on Valentine's Day....

OK, but let's look at my feelings. I haven't seen her in seven days, so how did I do? Well, actually not too bad. I have been able to compartmentalize my feelings and be there for my wife as much as possible, while feeling this burning - but beautiful - desire for my affair whenever I wanted.

And my wife has been trying hard to be a better partner - she really has. And yes, I've got to admit that not seeing my affair has helped me in being a better partner myself and putting more effort into it. But I am not sure whether it will work out - or whether anything will change because my affair has put a stop on the affair....

It's as simple as that: I have discovered what intimacy is and what kind of intimacy I need, and I am simply not willing anymore to compromise. And I am very doubtful that my wife and I will ever reach this level of intimacy that I've experienced with my affair. Of course, I will try my best to make it work, but I would have tried my best anyway...

The danger now is whether I may settle for the second best - staying in a not-so-great-but-still-ok relationship because it's the easiest thing to do, especially since I don't have any clue whether I'll be able to find anybody like my affair again....

Oh yes, you may say, but once you've reached your decision, perhaps your affair gives you a second chance? No I don't think that this will happen - If I am correct in my assumption about our emotions, than we will need to work really hard to forget each other; we'll need to work really hard to push each other from our minds, and I am not sure whether we can allow any emotion to remain that we could then later build on.

Moreover, we also need to re-develop a feeling of trust...

Nevertheless, I remain hopeful: Perhaps she has not yet read her e-mail; perhaps she'll respond later today, tomorrow or next week... and if we can't enjoy fully what we have together, perhpas we can at least try to build a friendship... She is important to me, she knows so much about me and has so many insights, so many characteristics that I'd like not only as a partner, but also as a friend, so perhaps we can at least rescue a friendship....

I'll keep you updated. At the moment, I am very, very sad....